Stop the Burnout PodcastÂ
Epi 61:
Is External Validation Feeding Your Burnout, Overthinking & Self-Doubt? How to Finally Stop Letting Other People’s Opinions Control You
Listen HERE
When one comment, bad interaction, or frustrated client can completely change your mood, it’s usually not about the moment itself. It’s about the weight you’re carrying around other people’s approval.
In this episode, Dr. Amber Parks breaks down how external validation quietly fuels burnout in veterinary medicine, from overexplaining and people-pleasing to second-guessing yourself after difficult conversations.
She shares personal stories, real clinic examples, and practical mindset shifts to help you stop letting other people’s reactions determine your confidence, competence, or emotional state.
What You'll Learn In This Episode:Â
- [00:00] How external validation can quietly dictate your mood, confidence, and emotional state throughout the workday.
- [00:03] Why veterinary professionals become hyper-aware of other people’s reactions, expressions, and approval
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[00:06] A personal story from practice that highlights how easily we attach meaning to other people’s opinions.
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[00:12] Why being liked does not automatically mean you’re competent at your job (and vice versa)
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[00:16] How people-pleasing and conflict avoidance can lead to burnout, resentment, and emotional exhaustion.
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[00:18] Why trying to manage everyone else’s perception of you is mentally draining.
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[00:20] How your brain creates stories and assumptions when you don’t have the full picture.
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[00:23] The hidden reason coworkers or clients may seem to “prefer” certain doctors or team members.
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[00:27] The neuroscience behind rejection sensitivity, hypervigilance, and scanning for criticism.
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[00:32] How to separate actual facts from the stories your brain creates during stress.
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[00:36] Why other people’s emotional reactions are not a reflection of your identity or competence.
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[00:41] A simple way to assess whether you actually did your job well without relying on external approval
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[00:44] Why learning to tolerate being misunderstood is one of the most powerful mindset shifts you can make.
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[00:47] The importance of not taking criticism from people who are not where you want to be.
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[00:51] How Dr. Parks helps veterinary professionals work through overthinking, emotional exhaustion, and stress patterns inside Vet Your Thoughts.
Key Takeaways
- External validation can create a cycle of overthinking, emotional exhaustion, and burnout.
- Someone being upset with you does not automatically mean you did something wrong.
- Your competence is not determined by client reviews, approval, or whether everyone likes you.
- Trying to control how other people perceive you is mentally exhausting.
- Learning to separate facts from assumptions can help stop spiraling thoughts.
- Boundaries and clear communication are essential for sustainable success in veterinary medicine.
- You can care deeply about your work without making other people’s emotions your responsibility
- Â
A Truth You Need to Hear:
“Someone being upset with you does not automatically mean you’re bad at your job.”
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Links mentioned:
Follow & find me:
www.thestressandburnoutcoach.com
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S2 Episode 62 Transcript:
Is External Validation Feeding Your Burnout, Overthinking & Self-Doubt? How to Finally Stop Letting Other People’s Opinions Control You
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[00:00 - 05:00] Why One Comment Can Ruin Your Entire Day
Maybe you found yourself at work having this amazing day. Things are going great. You're in a good mood. You had your favorite lunch. No big deal, right? And then someone says something that just causes you to spiral, and immediately you're in a bad mood. You wanna go home. People are pissing you off left and right.
What the hell happened? some of that can be us seeking validation from others in good ways, but also in negative ways that negatively affect us. So that absolutely can lead to burnout and chronic stress. So today's episode, we're talking about why that is, as well as how to combat that so that you don't have to experience that and have a day that's based on how everyone else is feeling.
So come on in. Let's get into it
Welcome to Stop the Burnout, a podcast for veterinary professionals who love medicine but are exhausted by the people pressure, expectations, and the constant mental load that comes with it. If you've ever thought, "I shouldn't feel this drained doing something I care about," you're not alone, and you're definitely not broken.
I'm Dr. Amber Parks, a veterinarian turned stress and burnout coach, and here we talk about the stuff that no one taught us, like how to actually break the stress and burnout patterns once and for all, and how to stay in this profession without losing yourself. You won't find bubble bath, toxic positivity, or self-care fluff pretending to be the solution here.
Let's get into it.
Hello, everyone. Welcome back to another episode. A lot of times these episodes and the ideas for them come up, it's so interesting, they come up from my personal experience, my clients' experience, and sometimes the things I see on social media. And the funny thing is just like if you see a black cat in the ER, and then you see two more right after, right?
Like, it always comes in threes. And so that's how I experience some of these things too is like, "Oh, there's a common theme. This is coming up. I gotta talk about it." So today we're talking about, validation, and not, not in the way that you might think. we're talking a lot about, you know, validation from others, but more so how it affects us on a much deeper level that we don't always, I think, perceive how much value we're putting into what other people think of us.
And I certainly think in this profession as well as just life in general, you know, a lot of our everyday interactions with people, we have to interact with people, so there is that, uh, judging and monitoring and scanning of other people's reactions and expressions. And I, you probably do a lot of it without even thinking twice.
And we're gonna get into why that is as well as how do we start turning this around, right? So that how we are perceived by others isn't how doesn't dictate, you know, what kind of day that we have.
So a lot of this is stemmed off of kind of the same concept. A couple episodes ago we talked about how vet med is very much focused on customer service and always, being the best for the clients and making sure that clients are happy, sometimes to the detriment of the team and the doctors and everyone, right?
So I was thinking about doing this episode, and I was actually in the shower, and I remembered a story from when I was a few years out of school. I was y-you know, a, a young associate, and then I was cracking up thinking of this, and I was like, "Oh my God, I have to tell you guys," which links into all of this as well.
So I was, just saying about reviews and how other people perceive us, and there's so much weight put into that, right?
[05:00 - 10:00] The “Too Sexy” Client Story and What It Really Means
So to give you a good example, you know, recently talking with some of my coaching clients, you know, they're, they were having challenges with this and, and I am not immune to this.
Like, I, I obviously experience this a lot in practice, especially as a y-younger doctor, but just in life, right? Like, no one wants to not be liked. And it takes a very, really a lot of inner work to get us to a place where we, like, can just cruise through life and not really care about what other people think, and there's a lot of nuance to that, right?
Like, I'm sure that you would care what your spouse or partner thinks of you, but the person at the grocery store who was rude to you, you don't really care that much. So there is a lot of nuance to this.
So this was when I was a younger vet, couple years out of school, and I worked, at this private practice, and they, they were great.
and I did an exam on this dog. I can't even remember, what it was there for. It wasn't anything crazy, whatever, right? So I did this exam, came up with a treatment plan. owners are checking out, and one of my techs at the time, you know, sh-their job obviously was, like, to, chaperone, I guess would be the word, to kind of walk the client out of the exam room, up to the front desk to check out 'cause that was the thing of, like, "Hey," so and so, receptionist name, "Fluffy's owner, Mr. Whomever," is set to check out because a lot of times people were, like, just going up front and then didn't know if... so that was our thing.
So clients always had to lead them out, or our, our technicians always had to lead them out.
So my technician at the time, fabulous person. she's a CVT, really well-seasoned, s-the most professional, nicest, even just, like, human, right? She's just an amazing human, nice person to work with, and, like, the most professional out of all of us, honestly.
And she came to me after, and she's like, "Oh, I walked," you know, let's just call him Mr. Smith, "Mr. Smith out-" Up front, I'm like, "Okay," like, "That's what we're, we've been doing, so okay, cool." And she's like, "And he said something, but he told me not to tell you."
And I just looked at her, I was like, "Well, you gotta tell me now," like...
And she was, like, not joking around, and I was like, "What?" Okay, now I'm like, now I'm anxious, right? Like, I'm a newbie. I'm very much impressionable to how clients are perceiving me.
And she said, and she, like, was straight-faced. She's like, "He said that he doesn't wanna see you again. He doesn't wanna see Dr. Parks because she's too sexy."
I was like, "Shut the fuck up." And I just started laughing, and I was like, "Oh my God, you're dead serious."
And she's like, "Yeah."
But I was like, my immediate knee-jerk reaction was, "Oh my God, he doesn't like me. Like, he doesn't wanna see me. Are you fucking serious?
Like, hold on. Hold the bus. Back the fuck up. Zoom the hell out."
Now, me nowadays probably would have a very different reaction. nowadays it probably would involve the word misogynistic, yeah, all those things.
So long story short, you know, he checked out, whatever, no big deal. And then of course, like, every time I would see him on the schedule, he wasn't under me, but he had, he had asked my technician too, like, "Oh, is the male doctor still here?"
And that was my boss, who was older than me. And I was like, "Of course, he would ask for the male," whatever.
So fast-forward a couple years, him and I don't think it was his wife, I don't think they were married, but they had two Irish wolfhounds, so big dogs.
And, she started bringing them in. Like, I never saw her, never saw him after that. It was always her, and, like, she didn't know that he said that, so I would see her, and I was like, I always would, like, hold my breath, and I'd ask the tech, I'm like, "All right, so-and-so's here. Is the, is it just the female or is the male here?"
They're like, "No, it's just the, the woman."
I was like, "Oh, thank God."
And so, like, he never came in. I never honestly really ever saw him after that, so I didn't really think twice.
she was nice, and, we, she, they did a lot of things for their pets, like they were good pet owners. So because they were big dogs, eventually, like, we, were doing house calls too, like, for mostly euthanasias, but, I mean, if you wanted to pay for a house call, like, we would come to your house, and they didn't live that far away.
So I did end up going to their house and doing house calls, again, holding my breath, hoping that that guy wasn't there, 'cause how awkward, and he never was.
[10:00 - 15:00] Why Other People’s Opinions Are Not Proof of Your Competence
so I would go there. I think they had two Irish wolfhounds at that time, and so, you know, doing their annuals. I think the older one had some chronic illnesses, so we were always, like, checking blood work, stuff like that, and it was just easier.
So that was fine, all well and good, and my boyfriend at the time, person I was dating, worked at a car dealership, and he-you know, he would tell me all these things about work.
And so long story short, we come to find out that in talking, that he works, my ex-boyfriend now, works with this person at the dealership, this husband or partner, whomever, that said I was, quote-unquote, "too sexy to see," as a doctor.
And so when he, when we kind of, like, realized who each other we were talking about, I, I told him the story. You know, I hadn't told him that. It was, like, before I even met my, um, boyfriend at the time.
And he's like, "Oh, interesting. That's nice. Good to know," right?
So unbeknownst to me, next time he sees him at work, he like totally set him up, and he, they somehow were talking about their dogs, and my boyfriend was like, "Oh yeah, we have dogs," blah, blah, blah.
And he's like, "Where do you... What... Who, who's your vet?"
And, you know, he, the guy told my boyfriend, and he's like, "Oh, okay."
And, um, he's like, "Oh, who do you see there? What doctor?"
And he, and my, my boyfriend's like, "Oh, we see Dr. Parks."
And the guy was like, "Oh."
And so my boyfriend's like, already knows where this is going, right?
And he's like, "Isn't she really fucking hot?"
And my boyfriend's like, "Yeah, actually, I, I do think that, 'cause she's my girlfriend."
So he immediately, face turned red. I think, the soul left his body, and, he was like, oh. I, oh my God, I'm so sorry," you know, whatever.
So I say all that... First of all, it's funny looking back now how, like, tone deaf someone can be, number one.
But I share that story because if I didn't... what if he didn't say, "Oh, she's too sexy. I don't wanna see her"? What if he was like, "I just don't like her," right?
And I would've taken that and been like, "Oh my God, he..." I almost did. "He doesn't like me, doesn't wanna see me. Like, I must have, must have messed up.
He doesn't think I'm competent." Like, whatever crazy story, we always tell ourselves, but in this example, how ridiculous of a reason to not have someone be your vet, right?
And who knows, maybe there were other things about it, but enough that you're saying it, you haven't even left the building and you're telling my technician that.
So you just don't know what people's reasoning is, and What I wanna highlight, too, is that a lot of times what we perceive as, like, us doing a good job is not the same thing as what our clients or coworkers perceive as us being good at our job, and I'll expand on what that... what I mean by that.
Um, because essentially, for something like this, that external validation, if we have it and it's positive, then we're, like, flying high, feeling good.
But the problem with that is that when it is negative, we also then consequently don't feel great about it.
So we don't know what people's reasoning are, and going back to that recent episode that I talked about where, you know, we're so customer service focused, what happens is that we allow those reviews to dictate of whether or not we're a good doctor or technician or receptionist, and most of the time they have no clue, right?
They don't work with us. They don't, even work in the profession. So we're really putting a lot of weight and validation on people that don't have even the measuring stick to be able to tell us if we measure up, if that makes sense.
So it is very challenging, right, when we especially, this really grinds my gears when we have a lot of, like, corporate practices or, I mean, I've seen this in private practice, too, put so much weight into these reviews that no wonder why we put so much weight into it because it is feels like it's the end-all be-all, of how we're perceived.
And so to highlight, you know, it's easy to confuse things like approval, with our competence.
So if someone says, "Oh, my gosh. Dr. Parks is such a great doctor," uh, like, that feels good, right? But maybe it's because I had treats in the room and gave their dog a treat, right?
So they approve of me. That doesn't mean I'm competent, though, right?
And most of us, I think especially in our careers, like, yes, we wanna be liked, but we don't wanna be liked just to be liked. We want to be liked because we're competent, and we're good at our job because usually what happens with that is then we help the pets and the owners.
If someone said to you, "Do you want this person to like you, or do you want them to like you and trust you and know that you're competent?"
Well, probably B, right?
[00:15:00 - 00:30:00] Why Being Liked Doesn’t Mean You’re Good at Your Job
Okay, apparently he wants to be the star today. He- so we all want to be liked, for sure, but that doesn't mean we're good at our job, and I know, and this can, I, you know, you can see this any profession, I think I mentioned this last time too, is that just because we are, uh, liked doesn't mean we're good at our job, and there are plenty of veterinarians, not a lot, but I have seen it, where the clients, like, love these people or the, the doctor, the clients love the doctor.
They're just so overwhelmed and lo- oh, God, so great, and like, the doctor's, like, maybe mediocre on a good day, and then the doctor who's like this just amazing diagnostician and is a surgical whiz, right? The clients are like, "Meh," 'cause they don't give them the warm and fuzzy. So that is a perfect example of people's perception of us does not equal our competence.
So that's what we have to remember when we s- fall down that rabbit hole of feeling like, "Oh my God, this, these people don't like me. They're, they left me a bad review," et cetera. Uh, another way too is that we can easily confuse, like, us avoiding any sort of conflict meaning that we're compassionate or we're a team player, but really, we are just trying to avoid any sort of potential negative interactions, right?
And that's where, like, if you don't have boundaries, people might think you're great, but inside you're screaming because you're frustrated and annoyed that you either couldn't say no, didn't say no, et cetera. So what does all of this cause when we have this misperception or disconnect? And a lot of times we go into over-explaining, so we like to overcompensate for that disconnect because we think, "Oh, well, if they maybe don't like us," then we think, "Oh, we're not competent, so now I'm gonna over-explain to hopefully get them to like me and to then think I'm competent," which doesn't always happen, right?
I always say explain and educate to give information, not always to get people to understand you, right? Those are, those can be different things. So we also then can have no boundaries because we are, like the last thing I said was, like avoiding conflict, so we have no boundaries because we wanna be perceived as easygoing and likable and a team player.
And so what happens is we end up letting people dictate our emotions and our emotional state based on how they perceive us. So it's a mind fuck, it really is. So that is obviously very exhausting, as you can imagine, because we're trying to manage everyone's perception of who we are, and we feel as though we're a lig- little egotistical in the sense that we feel like we can manipulate how people perceive us so that we can be perceived in a certain way to then make us feel better that these people like us.
Do you see how fucking crazy this is? And that, that's like a lot of mental gymnastics to do that. So a lot of times what happens is we spend a lot of time, and I was just talking with a coaching client recently about this. We spend a lot of time, scanning the environment for anything that we think might be a potential threat, and I'll talk more about this, too.
And is someone upset with us? Is someone not happy but they're not gonna tell us? And we're really trying to avoid maybe disappointment or judgment, and try to get ahead of that. But in doing that, we end up so mentally constipated, right? 'Cause you can think how much mental energy this can take, and we're not even factoring in the things that we have to do for our job, and then the high stakes of the profession and everything on a daily basis, and then all the human interactions that you ha- right?
Like, there's a lot going on. No wonder why we're fucking tired. So we also have to realize, this is what I was telling one of my coaching clients, is that... And I'll, I'll give this example bec- it was similar to what she had shared, but I have experienced this too. And obviously, I'm going to keep it anonymous for this person, but you know, she was like, "I'm at work, and I have availability in my schedule, and I noticed that someone booked appointments, you know, later in the day with a different doctor, but I have availability sooner.
And so do they not like me? Did the person that made the appointment tell the client, like, 'Don't see Dr. So-and-So, see the other one.'" Like, see how, like we start to create these narratives about a situation Like our brain perceives potentially a situation, and then we just fill in what makes sense, even if there isn't anything to support that, right?
But again, that's exhausting because now you're like on edge. And I, I do think a lot of this, and I'll just speak for myself here, but in those situations, what can happen is that way back when or at some point in the past, there was something that came up that someone shared. Can I think of a specific one?
No, but I'm sure it happened more than once. But someone shared like, "Oh, this was a problem," and you're like blindsided by it, and you're like, "Oh my God, if I had just known, then I could have prevented it." And so we end up going into hypervigilant mode to scan the environment to hopefully understand, oh, okay, there's this thing that might happen.
I need to get ahead of it so that I don't experience this discomfort and pain and hurt that happens when I feel like I got blindsided by someone telling me like, "Oh, you fucked up, and here's where it was," or, "People don't like you ," right? So that is just one example. So you can see where that is extremely exhausting and overwhelming, and it can really steal our focus too, right, of like all the things that we have to do on a daily basis.
But I was sharing with my client, I said, "You know, I totally, I get that. I, I really do." And she was sharing too like, "Well, I think the tech's like working with the other doctors because, if there's..." Well, I'll just insert an example. She didn't bring this up, but I have done this myself, where maybe a technician comes back and they're like, "Oh, so and so wants a refill of the meds, but I don't know if you..."
You know, like they're kind of being annoying on the phone. They're being a little high maintenance. They said they don't wanna come back in. It's the same thing as before, so they just wanna refill the meds. And obviously, we know that situation is very nuanced, right? what does it, what are we treating?
How long ago was it? Is whatever, right? So myself as a doctor, I might refill the meds, assuming certain things are in place, right? They're current on exam, et cetera. Or do I have them come in? And so hopefully it's based on what is really needed for the pet and what is best, but sometimes it's like, "Oh God, this client, I, don't even wanna deal with them.
sure, yeah, just give them that refill," which is awful, right? But sometimes we ha- we do that. and so sometimes though, we say, "No, this client needs to come in." And so the person now, maybe that technician or receptionist that has to go back to that phone call and tell the client that we can't refill those meds, now they might get an earful.
So What I was telling my client, my coaching client, was just because it seems like that the technicians or support staff like the other doctor, the, you know, and that was like a similar example that she shared, I was like, "That's not necessarily..." First of all, we don't know that's the case, number one.
Number two is that they're not really, quote-unquote, liking the other doctor on a real, valid, authentic basis, right? They like the other doctor because it's making potentially their job easier, which I get. No shame there, right? So they, that technician might be avoiding an awkward phone ca- ca- excuse me, conversation, and so they're not getting reamed out on the phone, whereas, "Oh no, we need to see the pet," and now the tech's gotta go back and tell the client, and they're like, "Ugh, I don't wanna do this.
I know this client's gonna be pissed," right? So I was trying to show her a different perspective of like this isn't... It's not that they necessarily like the other doctor. A, we don't know that, but B, they like that their job is easier, right? So it's not really based on the merit of the doctor, their personality, their...
It was just that decision that that doctor made that they, it made them have to not have a difficult conversation. So you can see where, the, I should say lack of boundaries that the doctor had where they said, "Oh no, we'll just give him a refill of meds. That's fine," the technician, I'm saying technician, just, insert whomever else in here, but the technician benefited from that.
So it's not that we, people necessarily like us for who we are and just being a good person. Sometimes they're benefiting from us really not having a boundary of, "Oh no, we need to see that pet." If we were like, "Well, no, it's fine. I don't wanna deal with this client anyway. Just refill the meds." So they're benefiting from us not having that boundary with the client.
So you can see where they might like working with us, but it's not based on our merit. It is certainly not necessarily based on, oh, so Dr. So-and-so is such a great doctor. They're just like, "What is gonna make my day easier today?" Like, that is a, a really great example. Um, I'm trying, trying to look at my notes here and read my own handwriting, which is always fun.
So when we... So in talking with my coaching client, I, I told her, I said, "You know," like I said, we sometimes interject the pieces of the story that we don't have for it to fit a narrative or to fit a story that makes more sense to ourselves, and then we spiral from that. So what happens a lot of times too is that-
We know logically that not everyone is going to like us. Like, we hear that saying, like, we're not everyone's cup of tea. We know that, but that is a logical part of our brain, but the not so logical part of our brain is the part that is trying to rationalize that. So if we go way back to our caveman days, we were part of tribes and groups, and back then, if you weren't part of a tribe and you were by yourself or you got exiled or whatever, that almost always meant death, because you couldn't protect yourself as well, find food, have other resources that were in a group setting.
So no wonder why, like, our primitive brain still lives in that area, and it's still that fight or flight aspect of our brain which we know is the amygdala, and the prefrontal cortex is a part that is responsible for logical thinking. that prefrontal cortex goes offline when we're in that fight or flight.
So that's why that part of the brain kind of takes over, and so it is hard to rationalize when we're not using rational parts of our brain.
[00:15:00 - 00:30:00] Why Being Liked Doesn’t Mean You’re Good at Your Job
Okay, apparently he wants to be the star today. He- so we all want to be liked, for sure, but that doesn't mean we're good at our job, and I know, and this can, I, you know, you can see this any profession, I think I mentioned this last time too, is that just because we are, uh, liked doesn't mean we're good at our job, and there are plenty of veterinarians, not a lot, but I have seen it, where the clients, like, love these people or the, the doctor, the clients love the doctor.
They're just so overwhelmed and lo- oh, God, so great, and like, the doctor's, like, maybe mediocre on a good day, and then the doctor who's like this just amazing diagnostician and is a surgical whiz, right? The clients are like, "Meh," 'cause they don't give them the warm and fuzzy. So that is a perfect example of people's perception of us does not equal our competence.
So that's what we have to remember when we s- fall down that rabbit hole of feeling like, "Oh my God, this, these people don't like me. They're, they left me a bad review," et cetera. Uh, another way too is that we can easily confuse, like, us avoiding any sort of conflict meaning that we're compassionate or we're a team player, but really, we are just trying to avoid any sort of potential negative interactions, right?
And that's where, like, if you don't have boundaries, people might think you're great, but inside you're screaming because you're frustrated and annoyed that you either couldn't say no, didn't say no, et cetera. So what does all of this cause when we have this misperception or disconnect? And a lot of times we go into over-explaining, so we like to overcompensate for that disconnect because we think, "Oh, well, if they maybe don't like us," then we think, "Oh, we're not competent, so now I'm gonna over-explain to hopefully get them to like me and to then think I'm competent," which doesn't always happen, right?
I always say explain and educate to give information, not always to get people to understand you, right? Those are, those can be different things. So we also then can have no boundaries because we are, like the last thing I said was, like avoiding conflict, so we have no boundaries because we wanna be perceived as easygoing and likable and a team player.
And so what happens is we end up letting people dictate our emotions and our emotional state based on how they perceive us. So it's a mind fuck, it really is. So that is obviously very exhausting, as you can imagine, because we're trying to manage everyone's perception of who we are, and we feel as though we're a lig- little egotistical in the sense that we feel like we can manipulate how people perceive us so that we can be perceived in a certain way to then make us feel better that these people like us.
Do you see how fucking crazy this is? And that, that's like a lot of mental gymnastics to do that. So a lot of times what happens is we spend a lot of time, and I was just talking with a coaching client recently about this. We spend a lot of time, scanning the environment for anything that we think might be a potential threat, and I'll talk more about this, too.
And is someone upset with us? Is someone not happy but they're not gonna tell us? And we're really trying to avoid maybe disappointment or judgment, and try to get ahead of that. But in doing that, we end up so mentally constipated, right? 'Cause you can think how much mental energy this can take, and we're not even factoring in the things that we have to do for our job, and then the high stakes of the profession and everything on a daily basis, and then all the human interactions that you ha- right?
Like, there's a lot going on. No wonder why we're fucking tired. So we also have to realize, this is what I was telling one of my coaching clients, is that... And I'll, I'll give this example bec- it was similar to what she had shared, but I have experienced this too. And obviously, I'm going to keep it anonymous for this person, but you know, she was like, "I'm at work, and I have availability in my schedule, and I noticed that someone booked appointments, you know, later in the day with a different doctor, but I have availability sooner.
And so do they not like me? Did the person that made the appointment tell the client, like, 'Don't see Dr. So-and-So, see the other one.'" Like, see how, like we start to create these narratives about a situation Like our brain perceives potentially a situation, and then we just fill in what makes sense, even if there isn't anything to support that, right?
But again, that's exhausting because now you're like on edge. And I, I do think a lot of this, and I'll just speak for myself here, but in those situations, what can happen is that way back when or at some point in the past, there was something that came up that someone shared. Can I think of a specific one?
No, but I'm sure it happened more than once. But someone shared like, "Oh, this was a problem," and you're like blindsided by it, and you're like, "Oh my God, if I had just known, then I could have prevented it." And so we end up going into hypervigilant mode to scan the environment to hopefully understand, oh, okay, there's this thing that might happen.
I need to get ahead of it so that I don't experience this discomfort and pain and hurt that happens when I feel like I got blindsided by someone telling me like, "Oh, you fucked up, and here's where it was," or, "People don't like you ," right? So that is just one example. So you can see where that is extremely exhausting and overwhelming, and it can really steal our focus too, right, of like all the things that we have to do on a daily basis.
But I was sharing with my client, I said, "You know, I totally, I get that. I, I really do." And she was sharing too like, "Well, I think the tech's like working with the other doctors because, if there's..." Well, I'll just insert an example. She didn't bring this up, but I have done this myself, where maybe a technician comes back and they're like, "Oh, so and so wants a refill of the meds, but I don't know if you..."
You know, like they're kind of being annoying on the phone. They're being a little high maintenance. They said they don't wanna come back in. It's the same thing as before, so they just wanna refill the meds. And obviously, we know that situation is very nuanced, right? what does it, what are we treating?
How long ago was it? Is whatever, right? So myself as a doctor, I might refill the meds, assuming certain things are in place, right? They're current on exam, et cetera. Or do I have them come in? And so hopefully it's based on what is really needed for the pet and what is best, but sometimes it's like, "Oh God, this client, I, don't even wanna deal with them.
sure, yeah, just give them that refill," which is awful, right? But sometimes we ha- we do that. and so sometimes though, we say, "No, this client needs to come in." And so the person now, maybe that technician or receptionist that has to go back to that phone call and tell the client that we can't refill those meds, now they might get an earful.
So What I was telling my client, my coaching client, was just because it seems like that the technicians or support staff like the other doctor, the, you know, and that was like a similar example that she shared, I was like, "That's not necessarily..." First of all, we don't know that's the case, number one.
Number two is that they're not really, quote-unquote, liking the other doctor on a real, valid, authentic basis, right? They like the other doctor because it's making potentially their job easier, which I get. No shame there, right? So they, that technician might be avoiding an awkward phone ca- ca- excuse me, conversation, and so they're not getting reamed out on the phone, whereas, "Oh no, we need to see the pet," and now the tech's gotta go back and tell the client, and they're like, "Ugh, I don't wanna do this.
I know this client's gonna be pissed," right? So I was trying to show her a different perspective of like this isn't... It's not that they necessarily like the other doctor. A, we don't know that, but B, they like that their job is easier, right? So it's not really based on the merit of the doctor, their personality, their...
It was just that decision that that doctor made that they, it made them have to not have a difficult conversation. So you can see where, the, I should say lack of boundaries that the doctor had where they said, "Oh no, we'll just give him a refill of meds. That's fine," the technician, I'm saying technician, just, insert whomever else in here, but the technician benefited from that.
So it's not that we, people necessarily like us for who we are and just being a good person. Sometimes they're benefiting from us really not having a boundary of, "Oh no, we need to see that pet." If we were like, "Well, no, it's fine. I don't wanna deal with this client anyway. Just refill the meds." So they're benefiting from us not having that boundary with the client.
So you can see where they might like working with us, but it's not based on our merit. It is certainly not necessarily based on, oh, so Dr. So-and-so is such a great doctor. They're just like, "What is gonna make my day easier today?" Like, that is a, a really great example. Um, I'm trying, trying to look at my notes here and read my own handwriting, which is always fun.
So when we... So in talking with my coaching client, I, I told her, I said, "You know," like I said, we sometimes interject the pieces of the story that we don't have for it to fit a narrative or to fit a story that makes more sense to ourselves, and then we spiral from that. So what happens a lot of times too is that-
We know logically that not everyone is going to like us. Like, we hear that saying, like, we're not everyone's cup of tea. We know that, but that is a logical part of our brain, but the not so logical part of our brain is the part that is trying to rationalize that. So if we go way back to our caveman days, we were part of tribes and groups, and back then, if you weren't part of a tribe and you were by yourself or you got exiled or whatever, that almost always meant death, because you couldn't protect yourself as well, find food, have other resources that were in a group setting.
So no wonder why, like, our primitive brain still lives in that area, and it's still that fight or flight aspect of our brain which we know is the amygdala, and the prefrontal cortex is a part that is responsible for logical thinking. that prefrontal cortex goes offline when we're in that fight or flight.
So that's why that part of the brain kind of takes over, and so it is hard to rationalize when we're not using rational parts of our brain.
[00:30:00 - 00:45:00] Separating Facts From the Stories We Create
technician... And I've had this happen too of like, "Okay, Doc, totally up to you. Are you sure you don't want to just send home the meds? Because..." Fill in whatever, right? And maybe it's last time they came in, they didn't... This is a bad example, but they didn't have any money, and they complained the whole time, right? Like, none of that should really dictate whether we fill meds or not. but maybe that is the technician just trying to like, "Hey, I'm trying to make this easy on you, Doc, too," right?
So are we actually getting even, like, constructive criticism? Maybe that technician's like, "Okay, I totally understand, Dr. Parks. are you... Can I share my thought for a second on this situation?" "Yeah, sure. Tell me all about it." "Totally up to you. Obviously, you're the doctor. You have the final say, but, this is something, they're gonna be leaving out of town for three months, and they're leaving tonight. They won't be able to come in," whatever. Insert whatever.
So they might just be giving a different perspective, too, and not, they're not really looking centrally of like, "Oh, it's me as a human. This is gonna make my job hard." They're just like constructive criticism of a situation. So there is, there is a difference there, but easily we can go fall down that rabbit hole of holy shit, this is really challenging. This person doesn't like me. They're, none of these people are gonna like me. This is, they're probably not wanting to work with me.
So ha- with all of that being said, how do we move through this? Okay. So-
We have to, there's a couple of different aspects here. We have to separate fact from the story that we create in our brain. So just like I said earlier, we might have pieces of the puzzle, but we don't have the whole puzzle, and now immediately we're like, "Oh, I know exactly what the picture of the pu- puzzle is," right? We don't have all those pieces, but we're using our brain to fill in those blanks to make a story that fits with probably something we've experienced before. That typically is it.
But, and our brains love patterns. We like to recognize patterns, especially if you're neurodivergent. So it is sometimes even more challenging because we are like, "No, this is a pattern. I've seen this before. I know if, people aren't on the schedule to see me and they're seeing the other doctor later in the day, like this isn't gonna be good. Last time this happened, I heard, overheard one of the receptionists saying that they try not to schedule with me," or whatever. But again, this time we don't have any evidence to support that, so we, we're, we want to look for any sort of evidence, even if it's for it, it has to be concrete though.
Is this like an actual fact that I heard someone say, not that someone else said? So that's the lens that we look at the situation through. And again, when we're in this fight or flight and this stressed state, we are focusing on the negative because our brains are wired for survival, and it is a lot more beneficial as far as survival goes to look for the things that will keep us alive, even though it, we're not literally gonna die if someone doesn't like us. It triggers those parts of the brain that feel that way.
So we can easily glaze over all the positive stuff and focus on the negative, and then insert whatever story fits our narrative that makes sense in our brain. So you see how this spirals really fucking quick, and it's not something that is easy to turn around if you're not aware of it, right? Like we can convince ourselves, "Actually, you know what? No. I, I actually don't think that's probably true. I know the receptionist doesn't like me. She gave me a weird look the other day, or she was kind of quiet, so I'm sure that she doesn't..." You know, like we just go down that whole rabbit hole, which is again, so emotionally exhausting.
And we start to scan the environment for rejection or signs of any sort of criticism or judgment. And again, there's a lot of mental bandwidth that takes and mental energy. So that by itself is, is absolutely exhausting. And so first, as far as that goes, like we have to really identify And ask yourself, do I have actual concrete evidence that this is true? Because if you don't, okay, we just kind of like, I mean, it- it's probably not gonna immediately make you be like, "Oh, I feel fine. I, I don't care about anyone," and if they're, if I need their validation, right? It usually doesn't happen like that.
But it does start to plant the seed of like, "Oh, I can't really attach onto that thought because I don't have anything to support it." So that's first and foremost. The second thing is that, and this all does take some time, but we need to look at, and I'm not gonna say just to do this, 'cause if it was that easy, we'd all do it and it, we wouldn't be having this conversation. But we really need to stop making other people's reactions and emotional responses our identity.
So what I mean by that is we make people's reaction to things that we say, and as far as vet med goes, how many times have you given not great news and the people start yelling at you, right? I'm like, "Don't kill the fucking messenger. I didn't get to pick your pet's disease today. You think that I wanted to give you this news?" So all of a sudden, now people do this to us. This is where we have to get really, really smart because the people that are frustrated, sad, scared, fearful when we give someone bad news, then the, all those emotional, that emotional soup, if you will, gets thrown right back at us.
They're fearful, they're emotional, they're frustrated, maybe they have financial constraints, and now we are enemy number one. "Are you fucking kidding me? I can't believe that. I was just here a few months ago, and he was fine." Side note, they decline blood work, et cetera. Right? Like, everyone has dealt with a similar situation, and then all of a sudden we are second-guessing our competence. We get angry in response. We end up being like, "Oh my God, maybe I fucked up."
but 10 minutes before that, you had a diagnosis. Yeah, it wasn't great news, but you did have a diagnosis, and you skipped over the whole fucking part about how you diagnosed that thing. That probably took a lot of time, energy, schooling, experience, knowledge, right? That went right out the window, and immediately we're second-guessing ourselves because someone's pissed.
So then we make our identity be what other people's reaction is. So I don't know, say you have like two of those in one day, which work ER you probably have more of those in one shift, but now we are like, "Oh my God, maybe I'm not good at this. I'm not a good doctor." You know, these, clients like- clients were pissed at me all day, I'm a shitty vet, or even like as a technician, I had to give people, you know, an estimate, and now these people are pissed at me, and I'm just trying to do my job, right? Like we get defensive.
So that doesn't mean that you're bad at your fucking job, right? So we take that on though as our identity, and the, the converse is true too. So then if people are happy and they like us, then we're like, "Oh, cool, so we are competent," right? Those are, these are mutually exclusive, though it doesn't mean that because someone's upset at you that you're bad at your job. That is not how that works.
H- And honestly, I would argue if a client said that to you, even if a client said that to you in relation to like the medical aspect, right? Because they, they are not, they're not in the profession. They're not in it with us. They don't know. So we make it our identity, and then we c- we latch onto that.
And what comes to mind for me is when I was a younger vet, I remember making a phone call. This dog, you know, on blood work and physical exam, you know, I recommended a low dose DEX test, and it was still like several hundred dollars. This was a while back. And I remember like cringing by telling these people that they should do this test, which didn't help, the delivery 'cause I didn't... I knew medically this was the next best step and di- diagnostically, but my energy probably didn't come through as very confident, and so people pick up on that.
And the client was pissed because it cost money, right? And then immediately I'm like, "Oh, fuck. I shouldn't have recommended that. Like maybe, maybe I, I mean it would be helpful, but maybe we don't have to do that. Maybe..." Like I start like negotiating with myself of am I a good doctor? and there's a, there's a lot of nuance to that around money and our perception of value and worth, right? And obviously we want to help pets, and we don't... Yeah, we would all have everything be free if that were the case, but it's not, and so it puts us in a difficult situation, and we want people to seek help for their pets, and we don't want people to be mad at us.
So anyway, that's where we can start like second guessing, am I a good doctor? Am I a good technician? Like I don't... This person, you know, I pissed off another client today. And so immediately our look for validation, and we didn't get it, in fact we got the opposite, just reinforced to us that we aren't good enough or we shouldn't be, doing our job, et cetera.
So what I like to tell people is like, did you Like take the emotions out of the picture for a second, regardless of if the client said you were a fucking whack job, take that out of the picture. Did you do what was medically best for the pet? And I, I said, "Did you do?" As in, did you do your job? Did you, as a technician, educate the owner? As a doctor, did you educate the owner? You know, give them a treatment plan with pricing as a tech or a doctor. And if you did those things, we're not talking about how it was received, you did your job.
Your job isn't to manage other people's expectations. well, I'll change that for s- for a second. Your job isn't to manage other people's emotions. Their expectations are-- We have a little more control over that, I think, right? "Oh yeah, drop your dog off for a dental. Be back in an hour, it'll be done." Well, we know that that's probably not gonna be the case. So we're gonna manage their expectations as far as that goes.
But what happens is that we go right back to ourselves, and we can look at, "Did I do what was best?" Right? We're trying to show ourself evidence that the things that truly matter as far as being a competent doctor, technician, veterinary professional, did I do those things? And if the answer is yes, okay, there's your fucking evidence that we're holding onto.
[00:45:00 - End] Learning to Tolerate Being Misunderstood
Now, this client's upset at me. Well, why, why is that, right? Like getting curious. This doesn't mean that we have to... You know, just because someone's upset doesn't mean we fucked up. Literally, bottom line. Okay? So remember those things. quick recap is finding facts for or against what we believe. Sometimes we can find it, in a good way. Like, "Okay, maybe they don't actually... I don't really have anything to support that they don't like me," the receptionist. or you do have evidence that they don't like you. Okay, now we've got evidence moving forward, right? So it's important either way.
A lot of times we don't have any evidence in either direction, so we kinda have to check in with ourselves, and that's when we can say, "Okay, did I do what was best for the pet? Make the right recommendations?" Now, whether the client takes the recommendations or not, it is not your job. Hundred percent. Whether it's financial, they're just pissed at whatever that is, your job is to make the recommendations, educate, sure, answer questions, but you're not in the job of convincing or pulling or pushing people to do certain things. I know that's not really our perception, like in twenty twenty-six now.
Okay? So the one other thing I'll add in here too is that And this is, this is hard, and I'm still learning to deal with this. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but learning to tolerate being misunderstood. So in that example, low-dose Dex, I made the recommendation, the client's pissed, and then I check in with myself, was that the best recommendation based on the clinical signs, the blood work? Yeah, actually, I wouldn't have changed that. Excellent. You did what was best for the pet.
Now I have to sit with being misunderstood. If you have spent any length of time on social media, nowadays, if you spent a minute on social media, just scroll through comments sometimes, and you'll be... I'm sure you've already seen some of this, but there's so many different perspectives from people, and it's like you can't fucking show them a different perspective. It won't even register in their brain. And those-- Sometimes people don't want to take in new evidence and change their beliefs. That's okay. That's on them. But it is not always our job to get people to understand us, right? Understand your pet's disease, our recommendation, yes, that's different.
But like I said, on social media, uh, and I'm learning to kinda move through this too, some people say the stupidest shit, and I'm just like, I don't even... I most of the time I don't have anything to say. Half the time it doesn't make sense, honestly. I'm like, "No one's proofreading out there, first of all." You just... You type so fucking fast on the shit that is in your brain that if you go back and read that, there's no punctuation. I don't know how to read that.
So anyway, I digress. But be okay with being misunderstood because we assume that if people understand us, then they're going to agree and like us, and that is not the case. Those are mutually exclusive. So being okay being misunderstood is like your power move. And, you know, if this was something that... sorry, I'm looking at my notes here.
Oh, that was the other thing. If you are misunderstood, it's not you. They are most likely like this in other facets of their life because if they're doing it to you, they're doing it to other people, and anyone or anything that agrees with what makes sense in their brain is okay. But those that don't, they don't, like, allow in their bubble, right? So it's not you. It's not you as a person. That's just their perception of the world. And whatever you were offering, educating, explaining didn't fit with what they wanted to hear. So again, it's not you as a person. It's not me as a person sitting here. It's you or the next five people, right? That, that they didn't agree with.
So it's really all of that to say this was a great piece of advice that I got. I can't even remember where it was. Honestly, it might've been a podcast a million years ago. Speaking of advice, don't take advice or criticism from someone who isn't where you want to be. I'll say it one more time. Don't take advice or criticism from someone who isn't where you want to be.
So in other words, clients, that's just a really good example because as a general rule, like they're not in the profession for the most part. And so if someone is very critical or thinking, and then what is our response many times? We want to explain "Oh, how dare you charge X, Y, and Z for this?" And you're trying to like, "Well, it's expensive. There's a lot of overheads. Like companies mark up the prices and we have to pass that on." Like I see this all the time, right? We just go into word vomit.
The thing is we're trying to rationalize with someone that either isn't rational and or they do not, they are not in the position that we are in the things that we see, right? And that is okay, but that we don't take that on versus a colleague that you might take what they say and their criticism, constructive criticism, hopefully with a lot more weight because you know that they get it.
So that's where like when it comes to the fucking Google reviews, right? Don't take so much weight into that because are those people like a good reflection of you as a doctor or technician to show your competence, you can do your job? No. And for those of you out there saying, "Yeah, Parks, that's great, but my work puts a lot of weight into it. My boss puts a lot of weight. Our company puts a lot of weight." Let them. Go for it.
Until there's some sort of direct ramification to you to say, "We keep getting this really bad review," then it's like, okay, this is a whole different conversation, but let's articulate this. Is there a common theme here? What is that, right? It doesn't mean necessarily that you're wrong. Sometimes you can still have a common theme in clients that might say the same thing. And I would still argue, again, this is very nuanced, so I can't speak for everyone, but sometimes I would even argue that whatever that common theme is may just be the same people in a very emotional, challenging situation having the same reaction.
So maybe they're like, "Whoa, I didn't like how she gave the diagnosis," or, "She didn't have any bedside manner." Like, okay, there's certainly some ways to do stuff, but I still-- I'm on the soapbox of, you're still not responsible for how people react because then you'd be the overly empathetic one, and then someone's gonna be like, "Listen, Doc," 'cause I've had both of these before, "Listen, stop fucking around. Tell me how it is." You're like, "Fuck, I was trying to be compassionate, you know? And now this person's saying I'm not doing it fast enough." So you're gonna fucking lose either way.
Anyway, I hope that this helps, gives you a different perspective. Validation and the need to have that external validation is very common. You're not alone, and especially in this profession. And it is okay, but there are ways through it, right? 'Cause you can see how emotionally exhausting that it, can be and is.
The other aspect of this too is that in these certain examples that I gave you, this is just, like, a little sneak peek of what I'm going to be teaching and coaching on in my group coaching program launching in June. It is called Vet Your Thoughts, and right now, as the date that this is being aired, which is Thursday, May 21st, 2026, the VIP waitlist is still open. I extended it to give you and me some more time to finalize everything 'cause you know what? I talk a lot about boundaries and time and rest, and I wanted to do that for myself, so I actually extended, the waitlist to give myself, more time to get things together on the back end and then more opportunity for you to get on the list.
So you wanna get on the list, the VIP waitlist. You-- It's free just to get on the waitlist itself, right? Um, you get early access to the program when it does launch, as well as a bonus coaching call when you sign up for the program. So to get on the waitlist, when you have access to the program, you'll be able to look at it, decide if it's right for you, and then, you know, you can sign up. And then if you sign up, you get a free one-on-one coaching session with myself.
But this group coaching program called Vet Your Thoughts is for all veterinary professionals, and it is going to be a group program, but I do have a limited amount. I don't want so many people. I still want this to be very hands-on. And we're going to be going through things exactly like I talked today but in so much more detail. And it's a group coaching session, so you can ask and get involved in your specific situations or challenges. and you can learn from others as well. So it's, it's gonna be, guys, it's gonna be pretty good, not gonna lie. I'm pretty excited.
So if you want to get on that VIP wait list, grab the link in the show notes. You can sign up or on Instagram, you can follow me @dr.so doctor.amberparks, A-M-B-E-R P-A-R-K-S, and you can DM me the word waitlist, W-A-I-T-L-I-S-T, and I will send you that link to get on the wait list. Like I said, you can grab it in the show notes, or you can visit my website, thestressandburnoutcoach.com/waitlist and get on that wait list. Um, and as soon as things are dropping and the program is live, you'll be the first to see that.
So if today, as the date of this airing is the 21st, that VIP wait list will be only open throughout this weekend, so the 24th. I know it's a holiday weekend here in the US. and you're gonna wanna make sure that you get on that wait list, and then you can kinda look and see, "Hey, is this program gonna be right for me?"
This is something that is really focused on how do we get through the everyday challenges in vet med in the clinic, very focused on that. So whether that's talking to clients about challenging situations, how to have a conversation with management, like stop fucking giving me one more emergency walk-in on top of my already booked schedule. no hate to my management supervisors. You guys are awesome. but there are some people out there that are not as experienced and don't know how to handle those situations, and then the support staff and the doctors can feel that pressure, and it's hard, right, to have those conversations.
So there's a lot of the, "Hey, how do I actually s- have these conversations, and what do I say?" And then the other part of that is how do I mentally, like we talked about in this episode, how do I, like, mentally move through this so I'm not overthinking and spiraling, and I can turn my brain off after work, and I'm not doubting myself? Those are all the juicy stuff that we're gonna be going into.
So guys, I will stop talking. This was a longer episode. I hope you're still here. And again, if you have any questions about the group coaching, you can also send me a DM on Instagram. All right, guys, I will see you on the next episode.
