Stop the Burnout Podcast

Epi 63:

The Real Reason You Can't Break the Burnout Cycle: The Missing Piece of Burnout Recovery

You've taken time off. You've gone to therapy. Maybe you've even changed jobs. So why does burnout keep coming back?

We’re exploring a surprising driver of burnout that most high-achieving veterinary professionals never consider.

Through the lens of neuroscience, motivation, and a little-known brain structure called the habenula, you'll discover why achievement, ambition, and external validation can unintentionally and sneakily keep you stuck in the burnout cycle (even if you don’t think you are!).

If you've ever felt like no accomplishment is enough, or that the moment you achieve one goal, you're already focused on the next, you may be stuck in the very pattern that's actually contributing to your burnout.

We’ll get into why that is, the missing piece of burnout recovery, and what it truly takes to break the cycle for good.

What You'll Learn In This Episode:

00:02 How the habenula influences motivation, disappointment, and burnout
00:06 Why unmet expectations create more stress than many realize
00:10 How veterinary professionals become conditioned to seek validation
00:12 Why achieving goals often fails to create lasting fulfillment
00:14 The Self-Determination Theory and the three needs humans require to thrive
00:16 Why autonomy plays a critical role in job satisfaction
00:18 How competence and imposter syndrome impact burnout
00:20 The difference between "I want to" and "I should"
00:24 Why avoiding criticism and conflict keeps burnout alive
00:28 A personal story about board certification and external validation
00:34 Questions to uncover the true motivation behind your goals
00:36 How to define success based on values instead of validation

Key Takeaways

Burnout is often fueled by pursuing goals for approval rather than fulfillment.
The habenula amplifies disappointment when expectations don't match reality.
External validation creates temporary relief, not lasting satisfaction.
Sustainable motivation comes from autonomy, competence, and connection.
Success becomes more meaningful when it's aligned with personal values instead of other people's expectations.
Learning to separate achievement from self-worth is essential for breaking the burnout cycle.

A Truth You Need to Hear:

"The goal itself isn't what determines fulfillment. It's whether you're pursuing it because it genuinely matters to you or because you're hoping it will finally make you feel enough.

Links mentioned:

"VET YOUR THOUGHTS" group coaching & mentorship is OFFICIALLY OPEN! Learn more HERE

Follow & find me:

Instagram

Facebook

TikTok

www.thestressandburnoutcoach.com

S2 Episode 63 Transcript:

The Real Reason You Can't Break the Burnout Cycle: The Missing Piece of Burnout Recovery

[00:00:00-00:01:59] Burnout, Motivation, and the Habenula Introduction

What if part of your burnout isn't coming from how much you're doing, but from why you're doing it? In today's episode, we're diving into the neuroscience of motivation, achievement, and a fascinating brain structure called the habenula. You'll learn why chasing approval, perfection, and external validation can keep you stuck in the burnout cycle, and what to do instead.

All right, guys, let's get into it

Welcome to Stop the Burnout, a podcast for veterinary professionals who love medicine but are exhausted by the people pressure, expectations, and the constant mental load that comes with it. If you've ever thought, "I shouldn't feel this drained doing something I care about," you're not alone, and you're definitely not broken.

I'm Dr. Amber Parks, a veterinarian turned stress and burnout coach, and here we talk about the stuff that no one taught us, like how to actually break the stress and burnout patterns once and for all, and how to stay in this profession without losing yourself. You won't find bubble bath, toxic positivity, or self-care fluff pretending to be the solution here.

Let's get into it.

Hey guys, real quick. Even if it feels like the people, culture, or systems around you will never change, you don't have to keep feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and responsible for everything and everyone. Inside Vet Your Thoughts, my six-month mentorship program, I'll help you develop the tools, the confidence, and support to navigate the everyday challenges of veterinary medicine without carrying the weight of it all on your shoulders.

So learn more through the link in my show notes, or you can visit thestressandburnoutcoach.com/thoughts, T-H-O-U-G-H-T-S. All right, here we go.

hi, guys. Welcome back to another episode of Stop the Burnout. So today, we're talking about the habenula. This is a part of the brain that I have never heard anyone talk about this in relation to burnout, and goals, and achievement, and motivation. And I think this honestly affects every single one of us, and we have all dealt with this at some period in our lives and careers.

And I think it's a

[00:02:00-00:05:59] What the Habenula Does and Why It Matters

huge driver of, of burnout, and again, not really sure why no one's talking about it, so we're gonna talk about it today. All right, so what we normally perceive as goals, right? Like, that has been, gosh, by like society, societal programming, and I think our education system, we have been shown that like having goals and achieving them is like the ultimate thing, right?

That can be anything from cleaning your house to getting a doctorate degree, right? And, and anything in between. So achieving goals is that we don't look at why we're doing it per se, or we don't truly understand why we, why we're doing it, and I know that sounds kind of weird, and I'll... Let me explain. So we tend to have goals, but when we really strip it down and ask ourselves, "Why do I wanna do this thing?"

Many times it's not coming from a truly genuine place, or it is coming partially from a genuine place and partially from an external validated place. So that's where our habenula comes in. So the habenula is the part of the brain that influences things like motivation and disappointment, and it helps us to evaluate outcomes and compare our expectations to reality. So if we have something that the outcome is worse than we expected it to be, then our habenula goes into increased activity, and it can actually decrease dopamine signaling.

So I- when I read that, I was like, "Er, wait, what?" Because we know with neurodivergence, especially ADHD, we already have not enough dopamine. So then my brain goes into, "Okay, does this, is this more profound even for people that are neurodivergent?" And I haven't found anything on that yet. But anyway, so you can see how this, though, is intimately intertwined into our ability to manage burnout, and even sometimes the realistic expectations that we have in burnout

So essentially, the habenula is our quality control department part of our brain, and it's not that it's gonna focus on what is going right, so this is the problem. It really focuses on, "Oh, wait, that, like, didn't meet our expectations." And that's human nature, right? Like, we know that the brain always focuses on the negative things, is trying to help prevent, any catastrophic issue from happening.

However, that was great back in the caveman days, but nowadays that equates to, "Oh my gosh, is someone whispering about me? Are they talking about me? Um, oh my God, I don't wanna send this email," and you get, like, a lot of resi- resistance to it. And so it feels like it's, like, a life or death thing, but it's not truly life or death.

So our brain is constantly scanning

[00:06:00-00:09:59] Expectations, Disappointment, and a Real Coaching Example

Now, because of that because we're so wired for noticing disappointment and any sort of, like, unmet expectations, that becomes our sole focus. And this is something I experience. Sometimes I still do. I have to, like, check in with myself. And I do see a lot with my coaching clients, is that we tend to focus on how something didn't end up the way we wanted it to be.

So for example, I have a client who we were talking about her coaching contract. Excuse me, not coaching contract, her work content. She's a coaching client of mine. Jesus. Um, and so we talked about it. We, this is a private client of mine, and we went through everything.

And, you know, her next step was gonna be to talk with management about, the discrepancies and, and where, what she needed.

And I was so proud of her. She had that conversation, and then shortly after talking, she was like, "Yeah, it went okay, and I guess we really didn't get anything accomplished." And I'm like, "Hold on. Hold on." Right? Our expectation is that we're going to present all these things that, A, we have questions on, B, we want updated and changed, right, and to have a conversation about it.

And I, I said to her, too, I was like hold on. They haven't given you any feedback just yet, um, as far as like, 'No, we can't do this.' That really wasn't the outcome. It was more of like, 'Oh, okay, this is what we thought.' So now we have two pieces of information. We need more information to kind of bridge the gap."

And so it was definitely something where, you know, she felt very, I could tell she was like, um, just kind of disappointed in the way that it went. And I, my thought, my feedback to her was like, "Hold on. First of all, you had a conversation that you've never had before, and you presented it with all this really good evidence and information.

Like, that is amazing, right? Like, first of all, give yourself credit for that."

So sometimes we're so focused on this was what we thought the expectations were supposed to be, and when it doesn't meet that, then we get stressed out even more, um, frustrated, exhausted, right? It's like, "Oh, I put all that time and effort into it, and then, you know, this m- management didn't even care or whatever."

And, um-

You know, I think that's where we always feel like we're never getting anything beneficial, and it's always, you know, shit's always hitting the fan, and we're always getting the short end of the stick. And so I reflected that back to her. I was like, "First of all, um, you're..." And actually, as I'm just recording nothing has been changed as far as contract.

They're

[00:10:00-00:15:00] External Validation, Achievement, and the Burnout Cycle

still talking, but the ball is in their court. She's addressed what she needs and wants, and it is up to them to, you know, bring that to fruition. But it's been weeks, so you know, no, no worse for wear because they wanted to do changes that weren't super beneficial to her. So all that to say is, like, she could look at that and be like, "Oh, I'm frustrated that I didn't get the end result."

I'm like, "The end result isn't even here yet, number one. Number two, you just did something you have never done and weren't really planning on doing." So you know the process is gonna look different, but you can see where that's where the hubenula is like really focusing on we thought that we were gonna deliver this information to management.

They were gonna be like, "Oh, absolutely. Yes, let's rewrite it. Here you go." Right? And that's not what happened, but realistically, should that have happened, right? Like, I don't, I don't think so. Any- anyone that owns a business or a practice is gonna want to, instead of just receiving information about a contract and feedback, just say yes to everything and rewrite it, right?

Like, they're gonna do their due diligence as, as you, as the, um, client or the employee should do as well. So that's where I'm like, "Hey, this isn't a bad thing." So sometimes we just need someone to help us reframe a situation like that to be like, "Hey, that, that's not what is..." You know, it's not a bad thing, right?

Because then we can get really down on ourselves. So all of this, like how does this relate to burnout? So you can see kind of where this is going. So for in vet med for sure, we really chase that external validation, right? And we do that a lot of times it starts, I think, in our very younger years through grades, right, and in the achievements that we get.

So get good grades, go to a good college. Get good grades in college, go to vet school. And even it continues to go on when we're in practice, so

Then you have clients, right? We're looking for clients' approval because that means I must be doing a good job, which I've done a podcast episode on that. I'd have to go back and look.

I don't know which one that was. But obviously, that does not equate, right? It feels good when clients like you, but if we're gonna say, "Okay, a client liking me means I'm doing a good job," then we also equate it to being a client that doesn't like me means I'm doing a bad job, which is not true. 100% not true.

Okay. So external validation, then we look at things like production goals, right? If you get into, like, the business side of things. And a lot of the avoiding mistakes or criticism is really what we're doing through that external validation. We want to avoid having mistakes or criticism, so we try harder.

We try to be perfectionists. We over-function, and we overwork. Now, the problem with this, though, is that not only is that exhausting, right, number one. Number two is that it only provides temporary relief, so there really isn't this lasting fulfillment. And so that's why many of you, if you're listening, if you've done something, like this big goal, and you've achieved it, and then you realize, like, "All right, that's cool.

What's next?" Like, we always have this feeling that it's... It was okay, like, the, the process of getting there, and then we get there and we're like, "Okay, that's fine, moving on."

[15:00-18:30] Self-Determination Theory and the Three Core Human Needs

So what has become of this is that there was a self-determination theory that was created by Ryan and Deci, Deci?

Uh, in 2000, and then they did an updated article in 2020. And so what they found is that humans really thrive when there are three needs that are met, and those three needs are, number one, autonomy, so feeling as though you actually have a choice. Number two is competence, feeling capable and that you're effective in whatever goal you're pursuing.

And then the last one is relatedness, so feeling connected to others. When I read this, I burst out laughing. I was like, "Oh, this is fucking funny," because this sounds a whole lot like the corporate/business model of many veterinary hospitals.

So autonomy, right? Everyone, especially if you are I think as a, maybe like a technician, having that autonomy to work within your full capacity of your, of your role, which I, I don't think that is being done, I know that's not being done at every practice, where you have especially certified veterinary techs or registered vet techs, and you are really using them to their full capacity.

I find those techs that are being utilized in that way really have fulfillment in their job. The pay, that's a whole nother fucking topic. But when, you know, "Hey, I trust you to draw up these meds," or whatever, when they have that autonomy, yes, it's within, you know, certain structures and certain parameters, but when they have that autonomy, they like going to work.

They feel much more appreciated, and they feel respected and as though they are, you know, an integral part of the team.

[18:30-21:30] Autonomy, Competence, and Relatedness in Veterinary Medicine

On the veterinary side, veterinarian side, I should say, that can be really challenging for any practice where, you know I used to see this a lot in relief.

Um, I was pretty adaptable, right? Like, I'd go to a practice and I'm like, "I do it this way, but how do you guys do it?" 'Cause I'm, I'm ... As long as it's within, like, a standard of care and I'm comfortable with, I can adapt.

And though some places you would go and they say, "No, you have to do it like this," and there's really no fucking reason of why it has to be a certain way, but, "No, this is what we do."

Th- that's like, the worst thing you can say. "Well, we've always done it this way."

But having some autonomy and feeling like you have a choice and you can be really that doctor who, like, you can do whatever you want, as long as it's within a certain standard of care or above, go for it. So having that choice is huge, which I don't think everyone has that, especially maybe in some corporate practices where the parameters and the standard operating procedures.

Like, I get they're there, good in theory, but they can be very minimizing and can be really challenging. And I think they're really challenging and minimizing for the people that are really good at their jobs, that want autonomy. They want to use their brain, right?

And then you get some people that just wanna show up to work, do as much of, like, a machine that they can, and go home. And that's, that's fine. But the problem is both of those types of people work together, okay? So one person can feel very squashed, is what the word that comes through to me, um, working in an environment like that.

So autonomy is huge.

Competence, so feeling capable and effective. Well, that's fucking hilarious 'cause the first thing I thought is, like, imposter syndrome. So if you don't feel like you're competent, especially if you are surrounded by people that maybe don't appreciate you, respect you, or think you're competent, that's gonna be challenging.

But sometimes you are surrounded by those people, and you yourself don't think that you are capable or that you're effective or doing a good job.

[21:30-24:30] When Motivation Comes from Approval Instead of Purpose

And so then we're doing everything else from a place that we're not really fulfilling our own personal needs, right? We just wanna feel accepted and respected by others versus doing it because we really wanna do it.

And then the last one is relatedness, so feeling connected to others. And that can be tough if you could have, like, a great hospital, but maybe the team itself is, like Just not really connected, and I won't even say like a fucking family, 'cause if I hear that one more time...

Anyway, um, there's a way to do that, right? If you, if you have a great hospital, but everyone isn't really that connected, that can be challenging, too.

So I feel like all three of those things, there are some hospitals that don't have any of those things, and there are some hospitals that have all of those things.

So if we're missing pieces of that, then as veterinary professionals, we're going to try and pursue goals that may not be fully aligned with who we are because we don't have one of those three things.

So when the goals are supported and those three needs are met, autonomy, competence, and relatedness, then our motivation tends to be actually pretty sustainable.

So you start to think of things like, "I want this," like, "I want to do this."

Whereas on the other side is that when our goals are supported by guilt or fear or looking for approval, external validation, expectations, then our motivation becomes a lot more fragile, and we think things like, "I should do this," okay?

[24:30-27:00] Burnout, Moral Distress, and Workplace Pressure

And gosh, guilt, fear, external validation, approval, expectations, like, that can be many hospitals. And not, not done in a malicious way, but, "Hey, here are our KPIs, our key performance indicators. We have to meet this number this month for X, Y, and Z."

So when it, when we take away some of those things, uh, as far as like autonomy, competence, relatedness, then it, then we're just looking to like, "Let me just make management happy, and then I can like move through my life," right?

But a lot of times we don't find a way to do that, and that's what makes it really distressing, and that's where things like moral distress, which is a actual term, that's where we know what we should be doing, but we aren't able to do it.

So a great example would be, you know, maybe a blocked cat, and you know what the treatment is, but the owners can't, and maybe you euthanize, right? Just a very cut-and-dry way to look at a situation like that, and that's moral distress.

You know what, you know what the solution is, and you know how to provide it, but you can't do that, right? You're not allowed to because of, in that case, financial constraints.

So that, that is exhausting just for, you know, one of those, and I know we all dear- excuse me, deal with that.

But then when we start to work from that place of feeling like we need to meet certain numbers, right? And I don't think that's a bad thing, but again, if that's our main focus, then something isn't balanced.

Because I, I do think- There's many different ways to do that, but in many practices, you can meet certain numbers without looking at the numbers, without thinking that, and just doing good medicine, okay? I've seen that time and time again.

[27:00-30:00] Why the Reason Behind a Goal Matters More Than the Goal Itself

But the way that it's portrayed to support staff and veterinarians is, "These are the numbers you have to get. I don't fucking care how you get there, but these are the numbers," right? That's, like, a different type of approach.

So yeah, the goals are really... The actual goals that you have matter less than actually the reason why you're pursuing it.

If you're pursuing better numbers because management told you you had to meet certain numbers, then you're not really doing it from a genuine place.

And when we approach it of, "I just wanna be a really good doctor and do great medicine, and oh, by the way, then I ended up meeting the minimum number that I looked f- you know, that I needed to that month," then that becomes more fulfilling because we're not focused on the actual, you know, number.

We're focused on, did I do the thing that was important to me? Which in that case was providing great, uh, veterinary care.

So you can see how this is just like you've heard me say a million times before, but you can't just change jobs and even roles and companies and think that that is going to be your solution to burnout, especially because corporate, privately owned, right, it is a business.

I get that, and there are ways to do that, but if the main focus is, you know, doing things through guilt or fear, um, needing external validation, then it doesn't matter where you work, things aren't gonna feel good, right, and, and how we approach those things and regardless of where we work, but how we approach that type of work environment is hugely critical.

And that is why things like communication, and I don't mean communication in a way of, "Well, I know how to talk to people, and I can, you know, have a conversation, educate clients."

I mean, how do you communicate where you don't wanna rip your hair out and you don't want to, you know, scream from the mountaintops that you hate your job, right?

[30:00-33:00] Achievement, Certification, and External Validation

There's ways to do that and communicate so that you can still do these things from a very profound good area that is sustainable, right, and is your fulfillment.

And so you can work in these places and still have that, and it's a fine balance.

But those are things that, side note, um, we're working specifically on in Vet Your Thoughts, which is a group mentorship.

And as of today that this episode launches, which is Thursday, June 4th, enrollment is now open, only for a short period of time. So if you're interested, check out, um, the website, the stress, excuse me, thestressandburnoutcoach.com/thoughts, T-H-O-U-G-H-T-S. And, um, you can find all the information on that program.

And yeah, that's gonna be hugely critical, right? How do I go to work and not be so frustrated and wanna, you know, run home screaming, or do I dread going to work, right? Those are the specifically the things that we're gonna focus on.

All right, moving on.

So obviously you can see how this shows up in burnout, but also I think it's important to know that we're trying to build a life where we're doing things from a really genuine place, and we're not trying to avoid criticism or conflict or disappointment or disappointing people, and we don't wanna look incompetent.

And a lot of times we are doing things from that place, where we're trying to avoid criticism or conflict, and that's why we can easily get so frustrated, right?

Especially if someone does give us criticism, say a client's like, "Here's your one-star review," we are so fucking critical because-

We think that we did, you know, worked up a case or whatever from a really positive place, but really we did it...

Yeah we checked it, crossed our Ts, dot our Is. We did what, what was best for the pet.

But if we're doing it through the lens of, "I don't want clients to be upset with me, and I'll, like, over-deliver, and I'll answer every phone call every time they call me, and I will, you know, work on my day off to send them an email to make sure they're not upset."

Like, when we do it from that place, then it's like a slap in the face if a client gives you a one-star review. You're like, "Fuck you, I just worked my ass off," right?

[33:00-36:00] Pursuing Goals from a Genuine Place

So doing this and getting to our goals, whatever those goals may be, from a place that, not that we're trying to, like, prevent any negative consequences, right?

Because with that, we're trying to control the outcome, which, side note, is not gonna go well, and that's why we get anxiety, because it's a control thing.

But also doing it from a place of like, "No, I really wanna achieve this goal regardless of what happens, regardless of what people say, regardless of the fear that I might have," right?

I'm going after this goal.

That is true fulfillment, and that is how we really break the continuous cycle of, of burnout with that.

And the problem is that when we try to look at it through the lens of preventing a negative outcome, it is problematic because we know that there will always be, right, another difficult client.

We'll fuck up.

There'll be a mistake 'cause we're human.

Someone's gonna have an opinion.

We will somewhere not meet expectations.

So yeah, when we're always doing it from a place of...

Like, I just get this vision of, like, um I, I, yeah, I think I said this analogy to one of my coaching clients the other day, but you know when you're at the circus...

Okay, I can't even remember the last time I went to the circus. I was probably five.

But, and there's the, the person that is spinning plates on, like, dowels, right? They're, like, spinning plates, and they get, like, five or seven of them going, and then one starts to slow down. They gotta run back to that one, and then they get that spinning, and then another...

Like, it's that type of energy.

Like, we're constantly just trying to cater to other people instead of letting all the proverbial plates just fucking fall and do what lights you up and is in, in integrity with who you are as a person and your goals, right?

When we can do it from that place, it doesn't matter what people say.

It doesn't matter what people think or their opinions.

We know that we can go to work each day and, and do the best job that we can, and that, that is really the, like, juicy part about being able to change and break that, that burnout cycle.

[36:00-38:30] Personal Examples of Chasing Achievement

So a couple of examples, and then we'll get into how to solve this, is...

And I know you've, if you've listened to other episodes, I've talked about my certification.

So ABVP, American Board of Veterinary Practitioners, this was a certification that I knew I wanted to do when I graduated vet school, and you have to be in practice for, I think it's seven years. I don't know if that's changed.

But I always wanted to do it, and I finally did it, got certified, took three years, and I've shared this story a bunch of times, but the day I found out that I passed everything after my papers and then I could sit for the test, I went into work, and I was presented with a case, and I was like, "Fuck, I don't feel any smarter.

I don't feel any more confident."

And two reasons: one is that I thought that was the solution for imposter syndrome.

That's why I get so irritated when I see everyone be like, "Oh, just do more CE," and it's like, yes, but no, okay?

This isn't a deficiency in our knowledge.

This is a deficiency in how we're approaching a goal.

So-

I think now looking back, one, it was, A, if I get the certification, then maybe people will take me seriously.

Maybe I, you know, w- will be perceived in a different way, more respectful from colleagues, right? And from maybe clients even.

But ...

And I think that was honestly probably part of it.

Th- there was definitely a part though, and this is the, the other side of that, is when we can approach it through, actually I enjoy learning, which was very true.

Like, I was like, "Oh, this is cool. I love that I can do this as I'm working and learn more."

Now, especially now that I've been in practice, it's like a nice, uh, deeper dive into what I learned in vet school, but now I've seen those cases.

So now I can link even, like almost solidify the information that I'm learning, go deeper, and then solidify that and link it to cases that I've seen.

So I really did enjoy that part, and I have zero regrets about doing it.

But, and hey, you can provide better care. Who wouldn't want that, right?

But yeah, I do think there was part of it that was from not a positive place.

It was from looking for that external validation.

[38:30-40:30] Medical Director Roles and Seeking Approval

Another example would be of medical director, right?

And I think I did this too.

So I became medical director, which again, I think it was, part of it was to look outward and be like, "Oh, people will have more respect for me. They'll think that I'm more successful 'cause I'm the medical director."

When, when really, when we do it from a place of I like mentoring doctors, I like, you know, making sure our protocols are up to speed, which I do like those things as well, but you can see how if you're approaching it from one angle versus the other, if you're approaching it of this is next for me and this is what I need to do and this is, like, next in my career, okay.

But if you're, again, doing it for external validation or just being perceived in a different way, you'll be, you'll be exhausted, but you'll also be disappointed.

So those are kind of two examples that I thought of.

I'm like, "Oh yeah, I can definitely see what, what how that, you know, relates."

[40:30-43:30] Questions to Ask Yourself About Your Goals

So the question you really need to ask yourself are, is, excuse me, are you, you know, pursuing a goal, or are you pursuing to get relief?

Or get away from a certain feeling.

So in those examples, you know, I'm pursuing a goal of learning more about canine and feline practice, which I did, but I do think part of it was I'm hoping to get some relief of feeling inadequate, maybe, um, you know, feeling like I wasn't smart enough, that imposter syndrome.

So that's, that's why, you know, A, you're still gonna experience it, and B, sometimes that's why when we get to that goal, it doesn't feel that great, and we just move on to the next thing.

So how do we solve this? Okay.

So number one is we really wanna know in order to identify, like, okay, if this goal is...

It's easy to s- to look at a goal and say, "No, this is really what I wanna do."

Like, okay, why do I wanna do this, I would ask yourself.

Or, why does this matter, right?

So why does it matter to become a medical director?

Why does it matter to go for another certification?

Why does it matter if you go above and beyond for this client who treats you like shit, right?

Because ultimately, in those examples, if you're going above and beyond for a client that treats you like shit, you're trying to probably avoid conflict, avoid criticism, um, avoid, you know, insert whatever, right?

So you can see how that is...

Someone's gonna be disappointed, and it's probably gonna be you.

And another part of that is you can ask yourselves, like, "What am I hoping that this will give me?"

So are you hoping that it will give you status, it will give you money, it will give you respect, right?

Any of those things, which that's not necessarily wrong, but again, is it external or is this truly coming from a really genuine place?

[43:30-End] Building a Life Around Values Instead of Validation

And then the second part now is you wanna focus on how can you build a life around your values, not validation.

So what, you know, what do I want my life to actually look like versus what will others think of me?

And the thing that comes to mind for me with this is, you know, money and, and status.

Um, I think, who doesn't like to have money, right?

Money does solve certain problems, and it gives you certain access to certain things and a level of freedom, right? That no one can argue that.

The problem is, are you go above and, going above and beyond to earn more money from a place of hoping that people will perceive you differently, have respect for you, look at you and be like, "Oh, they've made it," right?

Because I can tell you, when you're doing it from that place and you get to a place that you do earn X amount of money, it's never gonna feel like enough, and you're still going to have the feeling of like, "Well, if I did this, I could just do more," right?

"I could do this again."

And then we just continue to move that goal post and then continue to be disappointed because we got to the goal, but again, it wasn't from a really fulfilling place.

It was, "Oh, I just want other people to look at me in a certain way."

Or, you know, and, and part of that too, I, I do see, is that sometimes we have to...

We think that we, and it's been ingrained in our brain, but that we have to also work hard in order to, like, earn the money and earn the respect and, make it worthwhile.

So in the process, we burn ourselves out trying to get to that point, and then even in addition to that, you get to the point and it's never enough, and you're keeping going.

So you can see where that just, that's the cycle, right? It just never ends.

And then the last piece is then as a consequence, I shouldn't say as a consequence, but looking at the whole picture is like, what does success look like for you, right?

So is it more money, more respect? Which that's okay if it is, but is part of that at least coming from that external validation piece?

So can you look at success of, like, going and having more freedom, more opportunity to say no, more energy, more time off on your days, or on your days off where you're not spent thinking about work, right?

That can be success, but many times we've been told that success is stature.

Um, I don't know if stature is the right word.

Status. Status, money, respect, right?

But, and I'll, I'll give myself as an example, right?

So being a veterinarian and then doing that extra board certification, like yeah, I got s- uh, respect from colleagues and family members, friends, right?

But ultimately I enjoyed doing it, but then I...

There were the, this is multifaceted, but it didn't really light me up anymore.

So then I shifted to toward coaching, which is what obviously I do now, and speaking.

And people thought I was nuts. People still think I'm nuts.

So but I did it from a place of I have more freedom, more bandwidth.

I like to interact.

I am looking for me, I'm looking at helping the veterinary profession, if not beyond that, on a bigger scale, right?

And that was important to me.

And am I making millions of dollars doing it? No.

So some people could be like, actually a lot of people have been like, "Wait a minute. You were a doctor, you had your own business, and, you know, you had this, all these other letters after your name and then you stopped it and now you're doing coaching?"

Like, it makes no sense to anyone, which is great, because I don't give a fuck because I don't have to prove that to anyone.

And there are people that are very close to me that still think I'm nuts.

So that's a great example, though, is what I'm saying, of we have to do it from a place of not what other people are gonna think, but does it light you up and is that success?

Like, I saw for myself that success was having more freedom, having the ability to pivot and tweak things as I saw fit in my business based on what felt good to me and didn't exhaust me, okay?

So all that to say, you know, that is totally possible in a veterinary setting and is totally possible on, regardless of where you work, right?

Are there some places that are easier to work at than others? Sure.

But what I'm saying is this isn't so far out of, out of reach for you.

It is absolutely obtainable, but where the fuck do you start, right?

Because if you haven't done it before, it's not gonna feel obtainable.

And that's why Vet Your Thoughts, right, this group mentorship, these are the things that we specifically go into, right?

Like, how do I have, like, these numbers that I have to meet at the end of the month and I'm not meeting them, and management wants to sit down with me, and now I'm stressed and I'm frustrated?

Um, or you work with a colleague who is a pain in the ass, and you're like, "I have to work with them every day.

It's driving myself nuts. I'm, like, you know, trying to avoid them," or, "I will...

You know, they're dumping all these cases on me because they're too lazy to see them, and so I just take it on and I don't say anything," right?

It's those type of situations that will exhaust us, and that's exactly what we get into, and I give you guidance and support and coaching, um, on how to do that, right?

What words do I say? What are the things I need to be thinking?

How can I look at this differently without having to, like, burn my life down and start all over again?

Okay, so if you're interested in that...

Whenever you're listening to this recording, you can visit my website, thestressandburnoutcoach.com/thoughts, T-H-O-U-G-H-T-S, or on Instagram you can follow me @dr.amberparks and you can DM me the word thoughts, T-H-O-U-G-H-T-S.

And yeah, I, I think this is like, I, I think we're gonna do more episodes on this so I can expand on this more, but I think there's some sort of link here for sure, especially on a bigger scale of the self-determination theory, right? Autonomy, competence, relatedness.

So I hope this was super helpful for you guys.

If you listened to this episode and you did have some good takeaways, I would love it if you could rate me on Spotify and Apple, and it just takes less than 30 seconds, and it really helps other veterinary professionals to reach them and have them get the support and guidance that you got from this episode.

So I appreciate it and I will see you guys on the next episode.