Epi 70:

 

[15:00-22:15] Step Two: Stop Carrying Other People's Emotions and Responsibilities 

Number two, this will take a little bit of work, but identifying where you're carrying other people's emotions and responsibilities that are not your own.

And you might be like, "Yeah, yeah, but that doesn't really make a big difference."

It does because many of us do this automatically without thinking.

So I'll give you an example.

I saw a post on social media not that long ago, and it was a veterinarian sharing this story about how she educated this client on this pet's medical condition to painstaking detail, answering the client's questions and then going back over the same thing over and over again.

We've all had those clients to some degree.

She just felt like she spent so much time with this person and went over so many details. It couldn't be any more clear. She spent the time, and then this person basically said, "Hey, Dr. So-and-so didn't really help me. I'm taking my pet elsewhere. I didn't understand what was going on with my pet."

The person writing the post was like, "I feel so defeated."

She had spent so much time helping this person and doing all this.

I'm like, "Ooh, this is interesting."

Okay, so this is hard.

This isn't something you just come out of the womb and know.

Also, society doesn't teach us these things this way.

We have to learn it.

So this particular person is carrying the weight and responsibility that she has to help this pet owner, right?

That's what she thinks as a veterinarian, which I would agree with to a certain degree.

But she thinks, "This fucking sucks. I spent all this time and energy and now you're just going someplace else."

The mentality I was getting was, "Why bother doing this? I spent all this time and then you end up going someplace else."

The thing with that is that person's response and their emotions, that is actually not your responsibility.

And this is where it gets a little not well-defined and is definitely a gray zone.

People may say, "Well, I'm a veterinarian," or even honestly as a technician if you're having this conversation with a client, we think our responsibility is to get this client up to speed with this knowledge.

Okay, yes, to a certain degree.

But where is that responsibility where if we have done that, and that client doesn't think so?

Hey, it's not like a client called and said, "You left me a voicemail and said my dog might have Cushing's disease, but you didn't tell me anything about what Cushing's disease is."

If you said, "Fuck it. Go Google it," okay, maybe you didn't do your job to educate.

That's a little more well-defined.

But if you got on the phone and spent 45 minutes talking about Cushing's disease and all the things about it, and then they were like, "I don't think she really gave me any information."

Okay.

At what point is it someone else's responsibility?

I'm not saying it's not valid that owner feels that way, but unless you want to go write a fucking book on Cushing's disease, publish it, and go read it to them in their house, I don't know what else you could do.

So taking on that responsibility and emotions of other people.

Because what happened is this person felt like, "Oh my gosh, I didn't do my job."

But also anger, right?

"I spent all this time. They don't appreciate it. They kind of screwed me over because now they're leaving and going to find another vet."

I thought it was really interesting because think of it this way.

For those of us, which is probably many of you listening to this podcast, who have imposter syndrome, when someone tells you, "Oh my God, thank you so much. You saved my pet's life," or, "Thank you so much. You're so helpful."

Sometimes there's part of us where we're like, "No. I don't fucking believe what they're saying."

"I feel like I didn't do that."

"Okay, great. I'm glad you're happy, but I still don't feel like I'm supposed to be in this position."

Whether that's as a support team member or a veterinarian.

"Someone's going to find me out that I shouldn't be in this role."

So someone gives us accolades and credit, and we're like, "Nah, I don't know."

But the second someone says something negative that we didn't do, we one hundred percent agree with them.

To a certain extent.

So this person said, "You didn't do your job."

"You didn't help me understand."

And this person was like, "But I did all..."

There comes a point when you have to say, "We're going to agree to disagree."

"I did what I felt was enough, and I'm sorry you don't feel that way."

That is an emotional boundary where you're not taking on other people's emotions and responsibility.

The interesting part about that is it isn't always your job to have to tell people that either.

Sometimes we'll get emotional blackmail or manipulation.

You've heard them all before.

"You're only in it for the money."

Whatever story people concoct in their head.

Why though?

We don't have to sit here and tell this person that they're wrong.

Many times the best thing to do is just, "We're done with this conversation."

"Maybe you need another veterinary practice."

I've said it before, but we don't always go into conversations assuming this person wants to understand and wants to be educated.

That is not always the case.

So we have to take a step back and be like, "You know what? That's on you, girl."

"I'm trying to help you."

"I'm trying to explain this disease process."

"You don't think I'm doing a good job?"

Instead of bending over backwards, getting stressed out and frustrated, as long as you as a human are comfortable with what you did, and you know you did everything in your power, that has to be good enough.

We're always looking externally for other people to validate us.

And I just think it's so interesting with imposter syndrome because we look to everyone else.

When they give us accolades, we don't believe them.

But the second there's something negative, we immediately think there's some truth to that.

So just remember that next time you're feeling that way.

Okay, that was number two.

Not carrying other people's emotions or responsibilities that aren't yours.

The simplest thing you can do is when you are in a situation that makes you feel frustrated, stressed, angry, or any undesirable emotion, just ask yourself:

"Is this fully mine to carry?"

Maybe some of this is your responsibility, but is it the entire thing?

It sounds kind of corny, but there is a lot of freedom that comes with that.

Because when you get really good at defining that, it gets a lot easier, and it feels a lot lighter not to take on other people's responsibility.

 

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[22:15-30:00] Step Three: Do Less and Cut Corners

Okay, number three.

My favorite one here.

Number three way to heal your burnout while you're working in a burnt-out environment is:

Do less. Cut fucking corners.

I'm not yelling at you.

Sometimes I feel like I am.

But this is one thing I really wish I embraced when I was very burnt out.

Someone had told me this, it might have been my therapist many years ago.

She said, "You know, your eighty percent is like someone else's one hundred twenty."

I was like, "What?"

She said, "Yeah. Think about it."

"You're so detail-oriented."

"You're going above and beyond."

"You're crossing your T's, dotting your I's for yourself, your three other coworkers, and anything else in between."

I had never thought of it that way because we also tend to think everyone else should be at our standard, which is a whole other podcast episode.

Think of it this way.

When we cut fucking corners and we do less, that is where we give ourselves the space to actually heal properly.

I think we get disillusioned, and I blame some of this on the self-care approach to burnout.

Self-care is great, but it is not the solution to burnout because it just adds more fucking things onto your to-do list.

So what do I mean by do less or cut corners?

This can look like a variety of things.

One is just like that example I gave before where that veterinarian was explaining a disease process.

Explain it, and then be done.

Don't feel like you have to over explain.

Sometimes you might get clients who ask you the same question.

After five minutes you're like, "Wait. Didn't we already talk about this?"

Some people, that's just how their brain works.

That's fine.

But when you feel like you're just talking in circles about the same thing, it's okay to say, "I don't know how else I can help you."

"I can send you a resource to read more about it."

Feeling like we have to over explain to justify our recommendations.

Yes, to a certain degree.

But not to the point that we're taking all of our mental and physical capacity to do it.

Because that's one client.

If you're doing that many different occasions, multiple times a day, that's an energy leak.

So not over explaining.

Not helping someone do something they've already done a bunch of times but ask you for every single time.

Maybe it's a colleague who says, "I don't know. I forget."

You're like, "Dude, go look at the SOP."

"Go ask so-and-so who does it every day."

"Go Google it."

Be a little resourceful.

You don't have to do everything for everyone.

I know some people will say, "Well, then it falls on me."

Does it though?

Unless it is your specific job, if you don't get it done, will it fall through the cracks?

Maybe.

But maybe that's what needs to happen in order for people to realize that this shit needs to change.

This also goes into our personal life.

We're the same person when we walk outside the clinic doors.

Life, laundry, food, pets, kids, all of it.

Give yourself permission to cut corners there.

I remember having this conversation with my therapist.

I was like, "On Sundays I get frustrated because I finally have a little bit of energy."

"I want to clean the house."

"If I don't clean the house and start the week without a clean house, I'm spiraling."

She said, "Set a timer."

I was like, "Huh?"

Now I know it's my ADHD.

I'll start cleaning one room and all of a sudden I've got a toothbrush cleaning baseboards.

She said, "Set a timer."

"Whatever gets done in that period of time, you're done."

It took a little practice.

Is everything perfect?

No.

But you get enough done that you feel more comfortable.

That's what I mean by cutting corners.

It doesn't have to be a top-to-bottom full clean.

Maybe you do laundry but don't hang it up.

It stays in the laundry basket.

That's completely fine.

No one gives a fuck.

At the end of the day, it's laundry.

Please live your life.

Maybe you put dishes in the dishwasher without pre-rinsing every plate.

If they're still dirty afterward, run it again.

Literally make your life easier.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

It doesn't have to be black and white.

It doesn't have to be rigid.

It is hard when we've done things that way our whole life.

We're perfectionists.

We're thorough.

But ask yourself:

Can I put a timer on something instead of letting it consume my whole day?

Can I stop guilting myself when I can't do the dishes or laundry?

I'll go to bed thinking, "Ugh, I should write this email."

"I should do content."

"I should do this thing."

Then I catch myself.

"Nope, Amber."

"I'm giving myself permission today."

"Is anything actually due?"

"No."

"Are there timelines?"

"No."

"Okay."

"I'm giving myself permission today to do less."

It takes practice.

It's not like a light switch.

I still have that conversation with myself every single time.

But it does get easier.

 

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[30:00-33:45] Healing Means Doing Less, Not More 

It is okay.

And it does get easier.

So whatever that looks like for you, setting a timer to do something, and then once that goes off, you're done.

It's also too, we wouldn't tell someone that's recovering from surgery, or a pet, right?

We say, "Hey, we spayed your dog, but no running, jumping for 10 to 14 days."

Have pets done that after a spay?

Yeah.

Because owners don't keep them quiet.

Are they fine?

Many times.

Except for this poor American Bulldog that literally had their insides dehisce through their spay incision because they were jumping around like maniacs.

Saw that on ER.

Thank God the owners were really cool and had the funds, and we did surgery, put everything back, and it went really well.

But I remember thinking, "Oh my God."

Literally these poor people came in.

This dog's spleen was hanging out of its abdomen.

I was like, "What the fuck?"

So do those things happen?

Yes.

Are there dogs that jump around after a spay with no complications?

Yes.

But do we still tell people, "Hey, you need to keep your pet quiet for at least 10 to 14 days?"

Yes.

Just because they can maybe do something and be fine, are we going to take that risk and continue doing it anyway?

No.

So it is okay to do less.

Even if you could do more, that's not the point.

The point is to do less.

That's what I mean by cutting corners.

I get so many of you lovely individuals that come to me and say,

"I want to have a workout routine."

"I want to eat better."

"I want to get more consistent with my exercise."

Great.

No problem.

However, I think I said it in the last podcast episode, I am not your girl for productivity hacks or how can we strategize to get more out of your day.

That is the last thing that you need.

That is the top of the peak when you're healing.

You're healed.

Okay, I'm good.

Now I can start integrating these changes.

You will not heal burnout by doing more and trying to get ahead.

That is exactly why you're burnt out.

It feels like it's coming from a place of, "I need to catch up."

But it comes to a point where we put so much on our plate there is no way to catch up.

So the healing process means we do have to do less.

I've had this conversation with coaching clients who say,

"I want to exercise."

"I want to do all these things."

That's great.

We have to do something radically different that might be uncomfortable in order to get you there.

Meaning we can't just keep cruising with what you're doing every day because you're obviously exhausted.

We have to do something different.

Most of the time they're like,

"Oh, okay."

"I see what you mean."

I've had some people get frustrated because they're like,

"Well, I'm not to this healing point yet."

I'm like,

"No."

"In fact, we could argue you're further away."

Because we have to do something radically different.

We cannot, as part of healing from burnout, continue to push through and think that if we just catch up, things will be good.

It's not possible.

We don't catch up.

We just add more work and feel more behind.

 

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[33:45-37:40] Step Four: Stop Gaslighting Yourself During Healing

All right.

Number four.

This one's big.

Really, we need to stop gaslighting ourselves into our burnout healing journey.

In other words, our expectations and our intentions along that journey are very important.

Another way to put this is if you...

I've seen this with some of my clients where they'll say,

"Ugh, I had this conversation."

"I finally set this boundary."

"But the response wasn't what I wanted from the manager or medical director or whoever."

I'm like,

"Okay, hold on."

"The fact that you had this conversation was not something that you would have even remotely considered in the past."

"So you came up in a very professional but well-defined way, set a boundary of this is a problem, this is my boundary, and if my boundary can't be met, this is where I'm at."

Then your takeaway was,

"But they didn't give me what I wanted."

That's not the point of having that conversation.

When you set a boundary, it is not for the other person to then go do what you need.

It's like I built this wall.

I'm telling you where this ends.

I end and you begin.

If you continue to come over this wall, I'm going to have a problem with it.

I don't care what you do on the other side of the wall.

That is the difference.

I shared with that client,

"Your intention was to have this conversation that is a really hard conversation."

"And you did that."

To have intention versus expectations.

She was just looking at it as,

"I didn't get this end result."

I would argue,

"Yeah, but we've set a boundary."

"So next time this happens, we've already told them what would happen if that boundary wasn't respected."

You didn't lose anything.

Most people aren't just going to say,

"Oh, absolutely."

"Let me bend over backwards and give you everything you need."

In the healing process we feel like,

"Oh my God, this isn't working."

"We're going backwards."

No.

What is your intention with a conversation or situation?

Again, we can't control what the other person says or does.

When we outsource that, we're saying,

"I'm only going to feel better if they do this thing for me."

Guess what?

You're going to be disappointed.

If they do it, cool.

That's a bonus.

But the goal is to look at,

"What is my intention with this?"

Instead of,

"Oh my gosh."

"These things aren't happening that I need to happen."

Again, we're outsourcing our power.

Having the focus on our intentions instead of gaslighting yourself that this isn't getting better or you're not doing this right is looking at this from a different perspective.

That's hard to do if you've never done it before.

Certainly having someone to support you and hold you accountable, like myself with my coaching clients, helps because they often wouldn't see that perspective on their own.

She was like,

"Oh."

"Okay."

"Yeah, you're right."

There's no worse way to feel defeated than thinking you didn't get a result and saying,

"Well, this doesn't fucking work."

Then you're right back at square one.

Working with a coach who sees that different perspective is hugely important for that exact reason.

 

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[37:40-40:20] Step Five: Will This Matter Five Years From Now?

All right.

Last one.

If you take nothing else from this podcast episode:

If it's not going to matter in five years, do not spend more than ten minutes worrying about it.

Now that is an oversimplification.

I get that.

But the point of me saying that is when I heard that line, I thought,

"What?"

Then I started thinking about it.

Writing my notes for this podcast episode, I was laughing because there were so many times I can tell you the feelings I had at work in situations where maybe a client was upset or my manager called me on my day off to tell me a client was upset.

Really helpful, right?

But I can't tell you today what the complaint even was.

I think I can remember the client, but I don't remember what the situation was.

There was another case where I was a newer doctor.

My boss was out of town.

The pet was fine, but the owner was absolutely irate.

To this day, I don't remember what it was about.

In the moment I thought,

"I'm never going to forget this."

"This is awful."

It feels awful.

It feels so heavy.

But I'm here to tell you that over time it doesn't feel nearly as heavy as you think it does.

We assign it so much more effort and energy than it deserves.

I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings.

I've found that this one helps me the most when everything feels catastrophic.

I'll be the first one to tell you those were some of the biggest highlights in my career that felt incredibly uncomfortable.

I thought,

"I'm never doing this again."

And now I don't even remember the particulars of the case.

Dead serious.

It won't feel that heavy forever.

Sometimes when we're spiraling, that perspective can really help.

 

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[40:20-End] Episode Wrap-Up and Coaching Invitation

Okay, so summary real quick.

Number one, find out truly what is burning you out.

Really ask yourself,

"What part of my job, career, or position feels the heaviest?"

Number two, stop carrying other people's emotions and responsibilities that are not yours.

Remember, it is not always your job to educate them on what is their responsibility.

Number three, do less and cut fucking corners.

Whatever that looks like at work or at home.

I know there's not always a lot of room to cut corners in healthcare and veterinary medicine, but the little things that really aren't going to matter, do it.

Maybe get off the phone a little faster.

Maybe send an email instead of making a phone call if you've done that before.

Little things that leak energy left and right.

We're trying to conserve the mental and emotional bandwidth that we have.

Number four, have a different perspective of your intentions and expectations.

Sometimes the end result isn't what we need to hold onto.

Many times it's simply,

"Did I actually do the thing?"

"Did I have the conversation?"

"Did I face the challenge?"

Getting yourself to that point is a huge amount of work that we rarely acknowledge.

Lastly, if it's not going to matter in five years, don't spend more than ten minutes worrying about it.

I hope those are helpful.

Healing is not linear.

It's a process.

But if you're listening to this and thinking,

"Okay, yeah, I get what she's saying."

"But I want some higher-level support."

"I'm ready to make this change now."

"If being miserable any longer isn't benefiting anyone."

If you want that higher-level support and want to see what that looks like, you can apply for a complimentary Burnout Breakthrough Session.

If you want that application, you can DM me on Instagram the word APPLY, A-P-P-L-Y.

Or you can grab the link in the show notes.

Or you can go to thestressandburnoutcoach.com/application.

Fill that out and let me know.

I'll get an email that you submitted it, and we'll go from there.

I only have a couple spots left in my one-on-one mentorship.

If this has been something you've been thinking about, maybe you've told yourself,

"Well, the last couple weeks haven't been that bad."

I'm just going to say things ebb and flow.

They don't magically stay better.

If it's bad enough that you're wondering whether coaching could help, this is your sign to do it.

All right, guys.

Thank you so much.

I hope you got some really good information out of this episode.

If you did, I'd be so happy if you could leave a five-star rating on Apple or Spotify.

That helps other veterinary professionals discover the podcast and get value from it.

As always, I'll see you guys on the next episode.