Epi 72:

[00:00 - 0:25] Perfectionism Isn't High Standards, It's a Trauma Response 

 

I thought for years that perfectionism was something to strive for. What I didn't realize was that the triple-checking, overthinking, and fear of getting it wrong weren't high standards, they were a trauma response. In this episode, I'm breaking down why that is, how it shows up in veterinary medicine, contributes to burnout, and most importantly, how we start to overcome it. All right, guys, let's get into it.

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[00:00:26 – 1:00] Introduction

 

Welcome to Stop the Burnout, a podcast for veterinary professionals who love medicine but are exhausted by the people pressure, expectations, and the constant mental load that comes with it. If you've ever thought, "I shouldn't feel this drained doing something I care about," you're not alone, and you're definitely not broken.

I'm Dr. Amber Parks, a veterinarian turned stress and burnout coach, and here we talk about the stuff that no one taught us, like how to actually break the stress and burnout patterns once and for all, and how to stay in this profession without losing yourself. You won't find bubble bath, toxic positivity, or self-care fluff pretending to be the solution here.

Let's get into it.

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[00:01:00 - 00:01:45] – Why Perfectionism Contributes to Burnout

 

Welcome back to another episode of Stop the Burnout. We're talking about perfectionism today, and I know we all experience some degree of this, and for many of us, it is very debilitating, and we may not realize how debilitating it is and how much it does contribute to burnout. Because the mind fuck about perfectionism is that it is essentially something that is reinforced by society, definitely veterinary medicine in general, and we can see it as, "Oh, this is actually a good thing.

This is something I have, and it's not detrimental." It's almost like this little protective mechanism, this safety blanket, if you will, and we tend to get rewarded for it. So that's why I wanted to break open perfectionism and kind of share what it is, why we get it, and how it contributes to burnout, especially in vet med, and obviously, we're gonna get in- into the solutions.

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[00:02:14 – 00:03:11] Perfectionism vs. High Standards

 

Okay, so number one, first thing to know is that perfectionism isn't the same as high standards. So I have talked to many of you out there, and you'll say, "No, I... maybe I'm a perfectionism, but I... Like, my standards are just high." And I'm like, "Okay, that is desirable," right? For the most part. The problem is we gaslight ourselves into thinking that, again, perfectionism is an okay thing, but there is actually a difference.

So perfectionism is the feeling of like, "Oh my gosh, I can't afford to get this wrong. What if I fuck up?" And high standards are more of, "I want to do this well." In other words, when we have high standards- If it doesn't go as we expect, we are not telling ourselves that we're awful, we made a mistake, we're horrible.

We're just like, "Okay, that didn't go as well as I wanted. What do we do next time?" But perfectionism is on this really rocky foundation that if we get it wrong and make a mistake, we're fucked, and it shows us that we're incompetent. So that is the difference. They are not the same thing.

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[00:03:41 – 00:04:54] Why Perfectionism Develops (Childhood, Trauma & Self-Worth)

 

And the reason why we get perfectionism is because when we have mistakes, or make mistakes I should say, they can feel threatening.

Like, really, like, physically threatening to our brains. And a lot of this is learned in childhood, and that's why there can be trauma, and I'm not gonna go into that, but trauma with either a capital T or a little T. No one gets through childhood without some sort of trauma, just so you know. So whether you're like, "Oh, I didn't really have a bad childhood.

It was pretty good," that's great. I, hope you did. There's probably some degree of trauma because it's just in the f- in the idea of growth and what you're exposed to, and our brain has to learn coping mechanisms. So it's not a bad thing. We can't go back in time, and now it's like, all right, how do we work with this and how do we move through it?

So essentially We have our self-worth is tied to perfectionism because like I said earlier, if we fuck up, get something wrong, then we don't think we're worthy, we don't think we're competent. And this is why it can feel like we're never done everything. "Oh, all right, finished for the day or the week or whatever, feeling good."

Nope, we usually are like, "Well, now there's five more things I can add to the list," or, "I will never get through this list because I am doing them, the things on my list, to such a level of perfectionism, it's mentally and physically exhausting."

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[05:00 – 05:22] Childhood Conditioning: Mistakes, Criticism & Learning to Be Perfect 

 

So that's why when we were younger, we kind of learned these coping mechanisms as a protective barrier to us because a lot of times, whether

And I think this was done in a way of like, oh, this is a good thing, right? Like, you're younger, you make a mistake, you get in trouble for it, but maybe it was an actual genuine mistake. You didn't know any better, right? You don't know any better. You're young. And so then we perceive that as, oh, this isn't comfortable.

So there's some sort of like negativity, criticism, or even shame that comes with that. And then we learn, okay, well, to avoid that, because that didn't feel great, that now I'm going to just do things perfectly because if I don't fuck up, then I don't get criticized.

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[06:00 – 07:00] School, Achievement & Why Good Grades Feel Safe

 

Another way this happens is with schooling.

So our achievements get approval. And again, I don't think it was done in a malicious way, but those children who didn't do well in school, which now we know like there could be a, they could be neurodivergent, there could be a learning thing, they might be really good in other ways. We just like the rote memor- memorization and testing probably isn't really the best indicator of, um, IQ.

But anyway.

So it's those achievements that earn approval. So what do we do? We strive for achievement and to do well in school for many of us, probably those of us listening to this podcast. It is a way that it kind of gave us some control and safety because it was predictability, right? We knew if we did really good, there wouldn't be that criticism, there wouldn't be shame, we got approval.

And Knowing that if we were prepared enough, we didn't or weren't judged, right? Because we prepared enough, and then we were perfectionists. And again, we're avoiding, like, these negative connotations or things that we don't wanna experience.

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[07:21 – 08:00] The Neuroscience: How Perfectionism Becomes Reinforced

 

And what happens, too, is our brain, the neuroscience behind this is our brain likes to try to predict what's going to happen.

That's where a lot of our anxiety can come from. And when perfectionism is created, if you will, through a series of situations, challenges, we, like, live our life through that lens of like, "Oh, I have to be perfect." And what ultimately ends up happening is it teaches our brain like, "Hey, if we do these things, we work really hard, we do things perfectly, we don't get criticized, we don't get shame or feel shame," then that was the preparation that we did was beneficial

Like, it worked out. It was helpful because it predicted, "Oh yeah, everything went fine," which is a total mind fuck, and we're gonna go into that.

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[08:18 – 8:58] How Vet School & Practice Reinforce Perfectionism

 

So that is really challenging because, yes, if you grew up striving for good grades, got into college, do the same thing, vet school, you can see how this is totally reinforced.

And I, and I do think there are some aspects of vet school that reinforce it as well because, again, a professor asks you a question in rounds and you get it wrong, and you're like, "Oh, my fucking God, I'm gonna suck at this. This is awful." Like, we just go down a spiral, when really it's an opportunity to learn something and not necessarily mean...

It doesn't mean that we're incompetent. So and obviously, yeah, you gotta pass the NAVLE. You gotta pass... Or here in the US you have to pass your tests, all that stuff. So it does reinforce it.

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[09:00 – 10:00] Unrealistic Expectations in Clinical Practice

 

Then we go into practice, and this is high stakes, right? This is a high stakes profession, and a lot of times there are unexpected expectations, and what I mean by that is not reasonable expectations, and that comes on many different fronts.

Sometimes we have it for ourselves, our clients can have it for us as veterinary professionals, maybe our boss has it, maybe you're a practice owner and you have it for yourself or your practice. And so we're essentially, like, creating this monster because it's almost not doable, but we're putting ourselves at such a, here we go again, high standard that we feel like, yeah, we just have to not only have this high standard, but then do it fucking perfectly.

And a lot of times I think we see that it, again, yes, it's driven by the bottom line, but having a very ambitious appointment schedule, or recently I put a post out online of talking about not being impressed with, I'm trying to remember how I worded it. Not being impressed with, like, people that take all these walk-ins and emergencies...

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 [10:00 – 11:00] The Pressure to See Every Walk-In 

 

I can't remember how I worded it. Not being impressed with, like, people that take all these walk-ins and emergencies.

 

Now, obviously there's a lot of fucking nuance to that, but you gotta love social media because you can't really get into the nuance of it. But it initiated a firestorm of comments, and you can find this on LinkedIn ... Not LinkedIn, Jesus.

Instagram or TikTok and Facebook, and everyone feels very strongly on one side or the other.

 

It was actually quite interesting. But I say that because many times we put ourselves on these very ambitious things like, "Oh, I have to help this pet. I have to see that walk-in."

 

Or we have maybe corporate or practice owners like, yes, it is a business, but they're like, "You gotta see this, this, and this." Now we pile on our perfectionism 'cause not only are we gonna see those five walk-ins today, we're gonna see them, we're gonna work them up really, really well, do a bunch of research, right?

 

Like, those five appointments could take you all fucking day if you allowed it. So perfectionism adds to that mental load.

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[11:00 – 12:00] Fear of Complaints, Bad Reviews & Losing Your License

 

And a lot of times, I know I hear, and I had this absolutely when I was in practice, but from talking with many of you in the past couple months, is this thing where we have the fear of having a complaint from an owner, a bad Google review from an owner a board complaint, right? That's like our, that's like our epitome.

Like, holy fuck, if I get one of those holy shit, the world's over. Like, my, my license and I I'm laughing with you because I have gone down this rabbit hole as well, but we think, "Oh, my gosh. I'm gonna get a board complaint.

I'm gonna lose my license. I'm not gonna be able to pay rent or my mortgage or feed my pets or my family, and then I'm gonna be homeless on the side of the road."And like, whoa. We ... That went quickly there, right? But that is always in the back of our mind, and well, shit, no wonder why that could be driving the perfectionism.

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[12:00 – 14:15] Public Criticism & Feeling Like You Have to Defend Veterinary Medicine

 

Also, a lot of public criticism, and I'll, I'll just hop on my soapbox for two seconds, but this public criticism, like, I keep seeing stuff of

Maybe I should do another episode on this, but "Vets charge too much," this and that. And, we know that there are ranges in the profession. We know that, and I won't say this straight across the board, but there are practices out there, some of them are corporate, that charge way more than maybe the average going rate in the area.

So I get that. But I guess my point is when I see all these people, and I keep seeing veterinarians and support team members, and they're just so focused on like, "We're not in it for the money. We don't get paid," which for sure, especially support team members, you guys don't get paid, uh, not nearly enough.

But why do we keep fighting this fight with people that, if you've heard my episodes before, we're trying to fight this fight in a concept that we think other people are going to understand. Like, "Oh, let me just give them information, and then they'll be, 'Oh, okay, I totally get it.'" Right? Like, we're not doing it from a place of like, "Here's the information. Do with it what you will." We feel like we always have to go out there and that we're gonna be, we are gonna be that person that convinces that one client that, you know, we're not in it for the money, et cetera, et cetera.

So we're always doing things through the lens of is the potential for public criticism.

I saw someone the other day, it was a veterinarian. I can't remember what it was, but they posted a video, and they were like, "What's your diagnosis?" And the comments were like It you can't diagnose this condition off of just a video and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, "Oh my God, guys, everything's fucking nuanced."

But I was like, "You know, you're coming after your fucking colleagues. Really?" And it just ... It made me mad because the person that posted it did go into detail of, like, this isn't how you diagnose. You don't look at a two-second video and say, "Here's your diagnosis." Obviously, there's a lot more to it, but people are just ripping them apart in the comments.

And I'm like, "Okay, we're not helping each other." Anyway, so there's nothing worse than being criticized, let alone being criticized by your colleagues. So no wonder why we have perfectionistic tendencies.

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[14:15 – 15:00] Poor Mentorship Creates Perfectionism

 

The other way I see this is really poor mentorship. I've talked to some of you in the last couple months, newer grads, that didn't get any or very minimal mentorship.

And so obviously you're not feeling super confident, so having the perfectionism come through and really trying to cross your T's, dot your I's, and make sure you're doing everything correctly, because you really haven't been given that learning curve, that learning bandwidth to fuck up within reason, right? Or to have that support to point you in the right direction.

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[15:00 – 16:00]  Why Poor Mentorship Fuels Perfectionism 

 

curve, that learning bandwidth to fuck up within reason, right? Or to have that support to point you in the right direction. So we tend to be like, "Well, if I'm a fucking ... " You know, we don't cognitively think of this, but, "If I'm a perfectionist and I do everything right, and I check everything multiple times, then I can't fuck up, and it'll be fine," because we don't have any self-trust.

So a poor mentorship can absolutely do that.

And, you know, to go back to the colleague thing too, I'll share a quick story, but I had a relief hospital that I was working at several years ago, many years ago at this point, and they had ... There was an ER, and they had some specialists. And I remember being like, "Oh my God, I'm so I have such imposter syndrome going into this." Now, keep in mind, I also had ... I was also already boarded in canine and feline practice, so I was a diplomate, American Board of Veterinary Practitioners. So I had, in theory, more credentials than maybe half of the doctors there. Obviously not, like, the specialists, internal medicine, stuff like that.

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[16:00 – 17:47] Personal Story: Imposter Syndrome During ER Rounds

 

But I remember feeling so much imposter syndrome, and then we would do rounds in front of, like, the entire fucking staff. So there's 20, 25 people minimum there. And if you had a crazy night or day, it was like, "Oh, how's this case?" You're like, "Fuck, I don't know. I haven't seen that thing in three fucking hours.

I just ... I'm glad it's still alive." It's sometimes we have days like that. And so I was like, oh my God, it was w- what was worse than just the clients was having to feel like I have to put on a show, and then I'm totally open to, like, doing things different. That would've been great, collaborative type of energy.

It wasn't that. It was more of, like, "Why didn't you do this?" I remember one case well, I don't remember the specific case, but I remember having, like, worked all, I don't know, I think it was a weekend, and I'm like, "I think this pet, you know, needs an ultrasound. The internist can do it." And the doctor coming on was like, "Yeah, but you didn't write it down, so it's probably not gonna get done, so they're gonna stay here for another night," which actually was not true. But I'm, like, in front of the entire staff, and I was like, "Holy fuck balls."

Like, my stomach hurt going to this practice. So all that's to say, yeah, it was exhausting 'cause I was trying to not even, like ... I mean, obviously doing it from I want the pet to do well, that's number one priority, and I want to, you know, have, have a high standard.

But it was also like, fuck, I have to do this, like, show and dance, at the end of my shift to the oncoming doctor, and I feel like I'm going to get critiqued left and right over stupid shit, by the way.

So that, if you're listening to this, please don't do that to your colleagues. It, our job is hard enough.

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[17:47 – 18:31] Patient Outcomes Aren't Entirely Within Your Control

 

So anyway, that is where another thing for per- perfectionism can stem from.

And then the other part, though, is that a lot of these patient outcomes are beyond our control. Yes, we do a lot of things to help make these pets better, prevent certain conditions and diseases, but ultimately there's some degree of things that are out of our control, which I think we forget, and we blame ourselves.

Like, "Oh, I should've done this. I should've done this. I should've said this. I should've tried this." And it's like, well, we're assuming that if we did that thing, that we would get the desired result, and we actually don't know that necessarily. And you can't shame yourself for information you have after the fact either.

You know, we see that a lot of times.

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[18:31 –  20:00] How Perfectionism Shows Up in Clinical Practice

 

So ways that perfectionism shows up, which we kind of went through a little bit, but

Checking, um, obviously nothing wrong with this, but double, triple checking your calculations.

I remember when I first started in practice, I'm in Florida, so we have a lot of allergy pets, so I had, like, a little notebook.

I would write down, like, common antibiotics or, you know, meds that we used for derm cases, and I would write down the dosing so I didn't have to go look in Plum every time.

And I remember it was, like, just, like, this little safety net. Like, I would be months into practice, and I'm like, "I already know..." I have somewhat of a photographic memory, so I'm like, "What's that dose again?" And I already can see the way that I wrote it in the notebook and where it is in the notebook.

But nonetheless, I look, right? It's like that little safety net of like, "Yep, got it right. Okay, feels good." Versus if I didn't look, even though I knew what the dose was, there's that w- unpredictability. Like, well, maybe, maybe not.

Maybe you... Are you sure you remembered it correctly? So it's little things like that. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with checking calculations, but to an extent, right?

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[20:00 – 21:26] Medical Records, Workflow & Perfectionism 

 

 Another way that I see this a lot is not having very great workflow, time efficiency, which there's many factors into this, but part of this being records.

Now, every single one of us in school, it was drilled into our brain to, if you didn't write it in the record, it never happened.

Okay, great. Great advice. I think that makes a lot of sense. However, you poor people, especially I feel like you newer grads coming out, are writing... I thought I used to write a lot are writing novels.

So with AI, that seems to hopefully make it a little easier 'cause we don't miss a lot of stuff, but we still have to go through and clean up the record too. So I, you know, it's like does it save us time or is it the same amount of time?

But we fe- it's the fear, right? We're coming from a place of fear where, "Oh my gosh, if I don't write it down, if I get taken to the boards," et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

But to the point that we're missing the concept, like we're literally writing down every single word that was ever said in the exam room, which if you can do it in a timely fashion, great, but I'm seeing that is a contributing factor for many of you in having to stay after close or after your shift to finish  those very, very extensive records.

And again, it was always drilled into our brain, you know, you need to be very concise, or not very concise. You need to be very thorough and make sure you include everything. So then we think, "Well, what if we don't?" Remember that, that one time that we don't, right?

 It's, we feel like it can be challenging too when you're first in practice because you don't know like what is acceptable as far as like can I not put that in there? Do I have to put that in there? So it takes some finessing, but that can greatly affect your efficiency, your mental capacity, and obviously workflow.

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[21:40 – 22:28] Overexplaining to Clients

 

Another way this shows up in practice is when we overexplain to owners.

I'm obviously a talker. Here I am on a podcast episode. But when we explain to owners so much because we want to try and convince them, and I say convince because we want them to do this treatment for their pet that we know is needed, but when we do it, and I've talked about this on other episodes, but when we do it from a place of persuasion, it it's like an icky sales tactic. It's almost like can I just give them the information and they make that decision versus over-explaining it so much that the client is now confused.

And I've seen that, and I probably, I know I've done that with clients, right? We are like, "Oh, more information is better." We give them more information and now they fucking don't know which way is up and they can't make a decision 'cause we're trying to make sure we don't miss something, so we give it all.

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[22:28 – 23:19] Avoiding New Cases & Staying Small

 

Another way, too, kind of goes with that poor mentorship is maybe you're not super comfortable taking on, like, an unfamiliar case or procedure or surgery. Maybe it's ultrasound, whatever that, you know, whatever the thing is for you because you never had that safety net of a really good mentor to guide you down that path.

And so it's not, it doesn't feel comfortable. And especially if we do something, especially in vet med, right? There's high stakes, but if we feel like we can't do something without doing it 100% perfect, we many times will not even attempt it, and that is where that can affect our, um, you know, our career and our career advancement and what options we have available to us, and it can feel like, "Oh, I can't do that thing," or, "I shouldn't do that thing."

So it can keep us small.

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[23:19 – 25:00] Why Perfectionists Struggle to Delegate

 

Another way is that we struggle to delegate. I did this a lot because, and I hear this a lot from veterinarians, like, "Well, I can't have my tech do that because they don't know how," or, "I don't trust them."

It's like, okay, well, we have a bigger fucking problem if that's the case. And I realize that when we are so busy, there's only so much time in a day. You're like, "I'm not gonna sit here and try and explain to the technician how I want them to call this owner back, explain X, Y, and Z," which I totally get

But at some point, we have something has to take a little bit longer so that our technicians can delegate.

And I'm not saying... And if you're a support team member, you're like, "We're fucking busy, too." I get it. I'm not saying you're not busy.

What I am saying is there was a study done several years ago by AAHA that the number one reason veterinary technicians leave their job is because they weren't utilized, and especially credentialed technicians, I would say.

I've worked with both, and I don't think even maybe veterinarians know the extent of what type of schooling and training our certified veterinary technicians get and how beneficial they could be. And I don't mean dump shit on their plate because ultimately you have veterinary assistants that will support your technicians as well, right? Like, that's, that would be good.

But a lot of times, if we're not comfortable, we won't delegate because we want things to come out perfectly, which adds more work to your plate, and then we get frustrated..

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[25:00 – 25:15] When Perfectionism Keeps You Overwhelmed 

 

and then we get frustrated "I have all this fucking work to do," which I see this... And guys, I did this too, so don't worry.

But I see this with many of my coaching clients. They're very frustrated. They're overwhelmed, and then when we tear it down, it's like, "Why are you doing this thing that can do or your technician can do?" Or, and they're like, "Well, they're not gonna do it right," or, whatever, insert whatever is there.

It's like, okay, well, that's a bigger issue. But that's where perfectionism, it's keeping you burnt out, stuck, overwhelmed, exhausted.

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[25:15 – 25:45] Taking Responsibility for Every Outcome

 

Another way is that We feel very responsible for every outcome, which I kind of went into this. There are things definitely outside of our control, and part of this is we need pet owners to also be responsible, and by saying we need them to be responsible, in other words, we don't have to make sure that they accept responsibility.

We just have to let go of what isn't ours, and that is hugely important.

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[25:45 – 26:00] Replaying Cases After Work

 

Another way is, you know, after your shift, you're going home, replaying those conversations, your decisions. I don't know if you're like me.

Uh, there's been times I'm like, "Wait a minute. Did I calculate that right? Wait, I think I forgot to move a decimal place," right? It's like, holy fuck, it's exhausting.

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[26:05 – 27:07] The Neuroscience: Why Perfectionism Keeps Repeating

 

So the reason, though, now, why this continues in practice and in life in general with perfectionism is because when we double-check that calculation, we do more extensive research on that case that we feel like, oh, we're pretty good with that, and then we go back, and we just do more research, and we're double, triple-checking all those things is because when we do those things, it temporary.

This is the neuroscience behind it. It temporarily relieves the anxiety that getting it wrong or fucking it up, it has created.

And so our brain gets a temporary relief that, oh, okay, see, we checked. It was right. We're good, checks and balances.

But our brain is also looking at that as, oh, when we get relief from checking things, double, triple-checking things, then it's proof that, oh, we should be doing that.

We should be double-checking and triple-checking, and that is actually helping us prevent mistakes. When, in essence, it is keeping us safe because if there's any sort of uncertainty, that feels like danger.

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[27:20 – 28:49] Why Anxiety Tricks Your Brain Into Reinforcing Perfectionism

 

So it's just like if you had some situation that you worried so much about and you had so much anxiety, and like maybe a client called and they were pissed, and you're like, "Oh, fuck, whatever," and it was your off day, and you heard, and then you went...

You were freaking out. It ruined your o- this actually happened to me, ruined your day off. And then you go into work the next day, and they're like, "Oh, yeah. Yeah."

You're like, "Oh, my God, I don't even wa- wanna walk in the door. I feel like I'm either gonna have diarrhea or throw up."

And then you talk to your manager, and he was like, "Oh, yeah, that?

Yeah, she called back. She said she messed up. Everything's good. She's happy."

And you're like, "Holy fuck. I thought... Yesterday, I was dying. This morning, I was dying."

Like, your stomach hurt, and then you hear that, and you're like, "Oh, all right, cool."

So what happens with that is our brain was like, "Oh, good. When we worried and had so much anxiety about this thing, that actually helped to prevent it, so let's do that again."

So that's where it gets really dicey because we're literally reinforcing the perfectionism and gaslighting ourselves into thinking that it is the right thing to do, and it is beneficial.

So I think that is really interesting.

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[28:49 – 29:46] How Perfectionism Leads to Burnout

 

And as a result, obviously, we talked a little bit about this, but the... all these things are a huge mental drain on our mental, emotional, sometimes even physical, like, resources.

So we're working late to finish records and callbacks day in and day out or researching cases.

Um, it can lead to, obviously, decision fatigue because we're second-guessing ourselves on every turn about everything.

We tend to ruminate. There's a lot of self-doubt and a lack of self-trust, and so when that happens, we tend to feel like, "Oh, okay, if we You know, we'll never get this right. We always have to work really, really hard to make sure that we continue to show up and be perfect."

So we don't have any self-trust because we don't allow ourself to even have an opportunity for that. And we always have that feeling of never feeling good enough.

So that is just exhausting. When you're going in with already that energy, and then you have a crazy day like normally happens in vet med, then this is really exhausting.

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[29:46 – 30:00] The Science Behind Why Perfectionism Feels So Strong

 

Okay, so what are the solutions? Couple things. One thing to know is that, and this is a little on the neuroscience part that I forgot to mention, but the anterior cingulate cortex is the part of our brain that is really sensitive, and it helps us monitor things like performance, potential errors, conflict.

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[30:00 – 30:14] The Neuroscience of Perfectionism 

 

and it helps us monitor things like performance, potential errors, conflict.

And so they have found that the anterior cingulate cortex part of the brain, for some people that have these perfectionist tendencies, tends to be very sensitive. Fuck, no shit. But there is actual science and research behind it.

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[30:15 – 30:36] Why Recovery Is About Gradual Desensitization

 

So the solution we go into this with we're s- essentially, like, desensitizing ourselves, habituating ourselves to going from trying to be 100% perfect to just not as perfect, right?

And we do it slowly over time. This isn't gonna fucking happen in a weekend. We've lived our entire lives through this, so it's, it is not gonna go away overnight.

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[30:37 – 31:15] Solution #1: Ask What You're Protecting Yourself From

 

But couple things.

Number one, first thing is ask yourself when you feel that perfectionism coming up, and maybe that's checking the calculations, you're spending fucking hours doing records, you're thinking all these negative thoughts about, "Oh, what could happen?"

Ask yourself what you're actually protecting yourself from.

Truly ask yourself "Okay, I feel..." Even anxiety. "Why am I feeling this way?" Like, "Oh, I did that thing. I didn't really do it 100% correct I don't think. I'm not sure. I didn't have a chance to check it."

What are you protecting yourself from?

Maybe you're, maybe it's you're protecting yourself from getting in trouble, or getting yelled at by your boss, or an owner, or being taken to the boards, or you don't wanna just, you don't wanna look incompetent in front of your colleagues. You don't wanna disappoint people.

And so really asking yourself that is the first step because I can tell you all day long to slowly change and move away from those perfectionist tendencies, but if we're not asking ourselves the deeper questions, we're not gonna get lasting change.

So that's number one. What are we protecting ourselves from?

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[32:00 – 33:00] Solution #2: Separate Responsibility From the Outcome

 

Number two is we have to separate ourselves f- from what is our responsibility versus, like, taking on this whole outcome, which we talked about a little bit before.

So what is your responsibility as maybe a veterinarian or a veterinary technician?

And then the owners have a certain responsibility, but a lot of times, you know, owner calls up and says, "I gave my dog the medication for his skin infection, for his allergies, and two months later, it's back," and they're just, like, losing their shit, and we feel so responsible, and it's like we know there's, like, no, quote-unquote, "cure for allergies," and you did everything you were supposed to do other than going to live with this owner and recognizing that the pet is itchy again and might have a skin infection.

So it's like, is that really your responsibility? No.

But we take it on as our own because a lot of times if the other person is upset, we feel like, "Oh, we have to fix this."

So separating that 'cause we kind of take away that feeling of ... And y- you can say, "Okay, logically I know it's not my responsibility, but emotionally and mentally, I feel like it is," and that's okay, but we wanna separate that because we want to identify that first.

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[33:14 – 34:04] Solution #3: Aim for Professionally Sufficient, Not Perfect

 

The next step is have some professionally sufficient barriers.

So a great example of this is just having, like, a deciding point of when you're going to stop beforehand.

So this works great with anything, especially if you have, obviously, perfectionism, we know. But some of us neurodivergent people, if you're maybe the autistic aspect, like I have ADHD and autistic- au- autism, and they're- they just play off each other.

So I can hyper-focus on something, but I can also be perfectionistic about it, which is fucking awful.

And so I have to, like, set limits for myself.

Same thing with, like, cleaning the house. I've mentioned this before.

But cleaning the house, I will literally set a timer, and I clean whatever the fuck I can get done in X period of time, depending on what I need to do that day.

So I always tell myself, "Whatever's done by that time is done. You can't do any more."

So by the way, try that out and tell me how it works, 'cause it's kind of a cool hack.

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[34:15 – 35:15] Setting Time Limits for Medical Records

 

But same thing with medical records, right? We're not trying to, like, slip through them and just half-ass it.

But hey, we close at 6:00, I'm sitting down to do my records, I'm walking out the door at 6:30 or 6:45, and I just gotta get done what I gotta get done.

Because when we don't have that end in sight, we just, "Oh, it's gotta be perfect."

We could spend that whole time on one fucking record.

So what is... And this is the process of kind of slowly changing things, but what is, like, one step away from perfectionism and having something be perfect, but it's professionally sufficient for you?

And hopefully over time it'll be a little bit less, right?

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[35:00 – 35:40] Solution #4: Learn to Tolerate the Discomfort 

 

And hopefully over time it'll be a little bit less, right?

And yeah, there are certain things that are more important than others. That's a nuance that goes without saying. But that's where we start to pull away from that a little bit. The next thing is That we have to learn to tolerate that discomfort somewhat.

So maybe, maybe a little bit of this is maybe you're double-checking instead of triple-checking, okay? That's how these things start. We do it really slow. But double instead of triple-checking, and you're like, "Oh, this is uncomfortable, but I already checked it twice."So it's living with that discomfort. We have to show ourselves that, "Okay, that was uncomfortable, but I didn't die. Nothing went wrong. Hey, that can work again.

"We're giving our brain evidence that this can change, and this will happen over time. This is not something you're gonna fix, like I said, in a weekend.