Episode 78:

[00:00:00] When Work That Isn’t Yours Keeps Landing on You

Where at work are you still thinking I've always done it, so I guess I just have to keep doing it," even if it's not truly your responsibility? As part three of this miniseries, I'm going to show you another one of my coaching clients who became so amazingly confident, and she put her foot down and stopped taking on work that wasn't hers.

I'm gonna take you through the process, what we did to get there, as well as how you can start doing the same and start doing this at work tomorrow. All right, guys, come on in

Welcome to Stop the Burnout, a podcast for veterinary professionals who love medicine but are exhausted by the people pressure, expectations, and the constant mental load that comes with it. If you've ever thought, "I shouldn't feel this drained doing something I care about," you're not alone, and you're definitely not broken.

I'm Dr. Amber Parks, a veterinarian turned stress and burnout coach, and here we talk about the stuff that no one taught us, like how to actually break the stress and burnout patterns once and for all, and how [00:01:00] to stay in this profession without losing yourself. You won't find bubble bath, toxic positivity, or self-care fluff pretending to be the solution here.

Let's get into it.

 

[00:01:00] Client Success Stories and Breaking Burnout Patterns

All right. Welcome back to another episode of Stop the Burnout. Today, we're doing part three of a miniseries where every week I'm sharing some of my clients' success stories, the biggest lessons that came from their journey, and the strategy that we developed that created this breakthrough. So my hope is that whether you work with me and become a client or not, that you can still implement and apply these trainings and learnings, if you will, to your everyday.

If you didn't catch last week, we were talking about how we have to let shit hit the fan sometimes in order to stop taking on stuff that isn't our responsibility. So if you haven't listened to that one definitely go check. And the week before that, we talked about how we feel like we're getting pulled in a thousand different directions and how we [00:02:00] can stop that kind of energy leak from continuing to happen.

 

[00:02:00] Why Pushing Back at Work Feels So Uncomfortable

So this week, we're talking about k- almost a culmination of those things in a way where when we go to start doing things that we haven't done before and we start maybe pushing back and saying, "Yeah, no, I'm, that thing that I've been doing, for the last few years, I'm not just going to continue doing this."

And it can feel really uncomfortable to the point that we then don't want to do that thing because it does feel so uncomfortable. So this is about one of my coaching clients where she really became s- beautifully confident, not arrogant, beautifully confident, I will say. She stopped accommodating everyone around her at her work.

She is a associate veterinarian in a small animal GP that is corporate owned. [00:03:00] And I think what's beautiful about this is when we start- started first working together, these things didn't feel comfortable. And I want to normalize that for you. She didn't just wake up one day and say, "All right, yeah, I'm just not going to do that thing and life is good."

No one wakes up and thinks that. I did not wake up and think that. It's a process. But what is amazing about this is we can start that process and any one of us can do this. So- We really started out identifying where in her job, and there certain aspects that maybe the practice that she's at isn't run the best, right?

And that's okay in the sense that doesn't mean that everything has to land on her lap. But also, even the practices that are run very well, still you can, if you're still that same person and you still are [00:04:00] trying to do the same things, we have trouble, like, pushing back, we have trouble if people get upset with us.

Doesn't matter where the hell you work. You can work at a really great hospital, maybe you won't encounter as many of those situations, but that doesn't mean you're not gonna be burnt out. Because if you can't put those parameters around your own time and energy, no one's gonna do it for you.

 

[00:04:00] Identifying the Energy Leaks Draining Your Capacity

So when we started working together, we got really clear on identifying the areas that, I call them energy leaks.

You've probably heard me say this before. So areas where she's overextending. I say she, this is many of us where we're overextending, whether that's time, effort, energy, brain power. And it's not that we all of a sudden just say, "Well, we can't do that anymore." We have to first identify where those situations occur.

And then number two, how do we want to do that different? Or do we want to do that [00:05:00] different? Because sometimes things are little, and they're not a big deal, and you're like, "That's kind of annoying, but I don't really think about it. I do it, move on." Whereas someone else might think that same situation is a big deal, and it does take more energy and bandwidth.

And so this other person may not want to continue to put up with that. So it is very individual. So in our time together, we got really clear on those opportunities. And You have to, like I said, identify where those situations occur before we say, "Well, I'm gonna put my foot down." Because many of you are probably saying yes to things that, A, you don't realize you don't have to do, and B, you don't even realize that you're feeling a certain way because you're having to do something that is not aligned with you.

 

[00:06:00] Why High Achievers Keep Overextending Themselves

Now, I do wanna say first and foremost If you're listening to this [00:06:00] podcast, you're probably like myself and my clients. You're not someone who just tries to not do work, right? I feel like this is probably many, I know it's not all, many of us in the profession, where we're hard fucking working people.

We're working our ass off. We're doing everything for everyone. And so we tend to though do nothing for ourselves, and it can be really challenging to start to look at things a different way.

 

[00:06:00] How Survival Mode Keeps You From Seeing Other Options

So the problem is, a little neuroscience here, when we, and you've probably heard me say this in other episodes, but when we are so focused on, "Oh my God, there's that thing I have to do, and I don't wanna do it," like we're tunnel vision on that.

Our brain literally, especially if we're in fight or flight, freeze, fawn, the whole thing if we're in this survival mode, our brain is not seeing opportunities. Our brain is not looking, "Hey, let's do this different." [00:07:00] Physiologically, it doesn't do that because we're in survival mode. Same thing, if you're getting chased by a bear, you're not like, "Well, let's see.

Is there a, a better way of where I can, make shortcut to that mountain over there or the stream?" No

So when we're in survival mode, think of it this way, it's like we're being chased by a bear. Are we then thinking about, "Hmm, how do I wanna invest my money? What's the best way to invest my money? Maybe I could do this. Maybe I could do a different caree-" No, we're trying to get the fuck out of the way so we don't get eaten by a bear.

It's the same mentality, except the bear is veterinary medicine, and we're trying to run. And, investments and trying to grow your net worth is not even in your brain at that moment. So that is why many of you listening to this episode might say, "Well, this is great, but I know [00:08:00] that this wouldn't fly at my hospital," or, "My manager isn't gonna be cool with that," or so the one thing I ask is before, and I'll address it, but before you tell yourself no and shut this episode off and say, "I can't do that. It's not gonna work," follow me through the process and at the end I'm gonna speak on that a little bit.

But just know that is very common, and many people that come to me when we start doing coaching, yeah, we're in that survival mode.

We don't even see opportunities. Fuck, we can't see opportunities, then we don't see those opportunities to fix the problem. So that's why we feel so stuck and, stuck in a box, you know? And there's no option.

 

[00:09:00] Building the Confidence to Recognize What Isn’t Your Responsibility

Okay, so the biggest thing... And we worked with my- this particular coaching client, we've worked together for many months, and I've just seen this beautiful evolution of not, like I said, not arrogance, not at all.

Very much coming from an authentic place. I [00:09:00] know, like I, I can bring her along that journey, but ultimately she still has to do the work, and she's doing the work. Because I have seen this progression where she now very easily identifies these opportunities where maybe it's not her responsibility, and this is gonna be an energy leak, and it can look like many different things.

And she now just takes initiative and addresses it because we've worked along that process, and we've worked together to get her through that process, so now it's just like almost like second nature for her. Okay, so this particular situation, though, is one that we just talked about not that long ago, and I, she just told me the whole thing, and I was like, "This is so awesome."

 

[00:10:00] When Someone Else’s Work Keeps Getting Dumped on You

So she had a situation at work, and again, for anonymity reasons, I'm not going into super detail. But this was a situation at work where she obviously works with other doctors, and [00:10:00] she kept getting work that was not hers dumped on her. And again, I'm not saying this from I'm not being part of the team, and I don't wanna do anything."

Not the case at all. Again, if you're listening to this, you're some of these people that overextend yourself. You are helping everyone and everything, but to a detriment, right? It's a happy medium. We wanna try and get that. The other challenge here was the colleague who put this kind of in her lap was one that, and I've worked with people like this before, they're not very motivated.

They try to do the least amount of work as possible and push it off to others if at all possible, right? So that's where I'm coming from. I'm not saying, "Everyone's busy. This is her thing. She didn't wanna do it." Not what I'm saying at all. So this has happened multiple times before, so this isn't, again, one, one issue, it happened, and then she woke up and was like, "Absolutely not," put a squash to it.[00:11:00]

So I asked her, before this whole situation transpired, I'm like, "When we're talking about this kind of pushing back, setting these parameters around yourself, what would feel better?" "And is this truly your job?" And again- I-I've been a doctor cleaning parvo kennels, right? Like, nothing's beyond us.

But the problem comes in when we don't have a workflow that is efficient, and this goes for helping our support team members too. It's helping them, right? Like I said, I'll clean a, a kennel. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about when it's repetitive, obviously the workflow isn't streamlined, it's not efficient, there's hiccups along the way, and people that should be doing their job are not, and vice versa.

And so it... This isn't you know, this is something where, yes, this is a problem. It's not just, "Well, you should just be a team player and, and help it." If... It's like if you keep getting kicked enough times, you're gonna be like, "Okay, I'm done getting kicked," right? So same [00:12:00] thing.

 

[00:12:00] Recognizing When the Work Was Never Yours to Begin With

So what happened is she got this note to call an owner, and she was looking at the note and she's like, "All right, I've seen this pet, but this doctor who should've called has- is the primary doctor."

So she's like, "I'm not really sure why I got this." And she knew that this client wasn't going to get a call back right away So she's like okay." I- But then she's, like, looking. She's like, "All right, this was definitely just dumped on my lap because someone didn't wanna do it" And she's like, "Ugh." So at that moment, she's recognizing a situation where I'm not cool with this.

This isn't just a one-off. This is a repetitive thing that keeps happening, and I'm not cool with it.

 

[00:13:00] The Fear That Shows Up When You Decide to Push Back

Now, the second thing is she's now identifying okay, "Fuck no, I'm not doing that," that's great. And then the next knee-jerk reaction is, "Oh, God," but then our ego part of our brain comes in and is like what's the...

You don't wanna make that client wait. She's gonna be [00:13:00] pissed, number one. Or are you gonna go tell leadership you're not doing your job? That's not gonna go well. What if you get in trouble? What if you get written up? What if you lose your job?" Those are the thoughts that go through our brain that seem rational and logical, and they're not.

But they also keep us in fear so we don't do anything. So she realized, "Yeah, that could be the pushback, but I don't give a fuck." She does give a fuck. But she's like, "I'm, this is a hill I'm willing to die on," if you will. The stuff you see those posts on social media. So she's like, "Okay."

She did a little research, making sure she's, got all her ducks in a row. And she's like, "I'm not, misreading this. This is okay. Yeah, great."

 

[00:14:00] “I Can, But I’m Not Going To”

So she went to leadership, and she's like, "Hey, here's what was left for me but I am not doing this. Just wanted to give you a heads-up so next time the doctor, primary doctor is here, she can call.

This doctor can call." And the leadership was like okay." There was a little bit of "But can you just do [00:14:00] it?" And she's "I can, but I'm not going to." Which is so amazing, right? You're not just saying, "Ah, screw this." This is a boundary that she set. I can do it, but I'm not going to.

This keeps happening, and I don't have the time and energy to do it. And again, this is a busy practice. Everyone's busy, except for apparently this doctor's tries to do the minimal amount of work. So she's "No, I'm, I'm not sitting here twiddling my thumbs.

If I was, sure, I would just call, but I have a lot on my plate today. This isn't gonna happen." And so it wasn't up to her to say, "All right, now I gotta go back and talk to this doctor, tell them I'm not gonna do it, see if they're cool with it," right? And now we're already a couple days into it. She went to management and was, "I'm not doing this.

I'm giving this to you, so this is now in your lap," right? And there are certain ways to say those things. So leadership was l- was a little apprehensive. Same thing, kind of [00:15:00]

 

[00:15:00] Just Because You Can Do It Doesn’t Mean You Should

"Well, maybe you could just..." And she's like, "No, it's not up for discussion. Here's the thing."

And again, side note the pet wasn't sick. This wasn't an emergency, obviously, guys, right? That is a no-brainer. That's not what we're talking about. This was a client who's pretty high maintenance, calls frequently, asks a lot of questions. Is it probably someone's a pain in the ass to talk to on the phone?

Yeah, probably. But that is not the point. The point is just because she could do it does not mean that she should do it. I'm gonna say it one more time. Just because you can do it doesn't mean you should do it. That is, the goal that I want you to take away at the very least from this episode because it's not about doing it.

It's can we, in the sense of do I have the capacity to do it? You all are people who, again, you're [00:16:00] hard workers, truly compassionate people, high achievers. It's not the question of,, can I do it? We all know we can do it, but should I actually be doing this? And that's the distinction we have to get really clear on.

 

[00:16:00] The Fear of What Might Happen When You Say No

So she had to, mentally weigh, "Okay, this client might get more upset.

Leadership probably won't be happy. Maybe this doctor's not gonna be happy with me." And she had to weigh all that, right? And that's a lot of times where, like I said, our other part of our brain jumps in, is, "Well, but what if all these bad things could happen?"

And then that keeps us stuck, and we think, "You know what? The cost of not doing it feels greater than just doing it and going forward with it." "Ugh, fine. It'll take 10 minutes. I'll, whatever." But the problem with that is, which I'll talk about in a little bit in this episode like I've talked about in these other miniseries, is that's how we train people to treat us and what we are okay doing.

So that's where, again, [00:17:00] it's not, can you do it? Should you do it? So she weighed all these options and said, "You know what? "No, I'm sticking with this one. I'm not comfortable doing it." She went to leadership, "Hey, I just wanna let you know, I'm not doing it."

 

[00:17:00] Pick Your Hard: Set the Boundary Now or Feel Resentful Later

And the other thing that we have to think about, too, is that feels uncomfortable, right?

For many of us. Even if you're not new to setting these energetic and capacity boundaries, if you will, it is not gonna feel like no big deal. It is a process that we start really small, and we kinda work up to these bigger parameters, but you know what? Guys, it's fucking hard either way. Pick your hard. It can be hard now, where you're saying, "Nope, I'm pushing back.

Maybe when I see this doctor again, maybe she'll say something to me. Maybe she won't." But if you truly know in your heart that you're not pushing this off, this [00:18:00] isn't necessarily your responsibility, or it's something that keeps happening then that's something we're going to choose, right? To push back.

Or we can pick our hard later, where right now we just say, "Okay, fine. I'll do it." You do the call. You're annoyed, and then you're resentful. Next time a similar situation happens, you're even more fucking pissed off because it happened again. That's hard, too. They're both fucking hard, but guess what? Option A is the one that's hard, but it gets you to a better place where it's not hard all the time.

So it's that cost, right? It's the, oh my gosh, that costs a lot of energy but also feels really uncomfortable. But if I do this thing now, then in the long run, this is gonna work out better for me. And that's the part that we don't think. Our brain, again, likes to tell us, "Nope, this is not something that is comfortable, and what if all these [00:19:00] bad possibilities?" And our brain just continually, again, we're in survival mode, fight or flight, so we're just reinforcing all these negative things that can happen. So then that's all we see as possibilities, okay?

 

[00:19:00] Confidence With Boundaries Is Built Over Time

So her shift really came with, "Okay. I'm confident in A, I see this as a problem, B, no, I'm putting my foot down on it, and C, I'm gonna execute that conversation."

Again, this wasn't confidence that happened overnight. Now, this is a s-situation she told me after the fact. It wasn't like I coached her through every step of this. We worked up to this to the point that she's confident enough to take the reins, seize the opportunity, and does what she needs to do. So that confidence shift starts a little bit over time, and that's why, because we're high achievers, I think we wake up one day and be like, "All right.

Today is the day I'm gonna start pushing back." Yeah, that doesn't feel fucking [00:20:00] comfortable. It's like doing surgery for the first time. So you're gonna do surgery for the first time, and maybe no one told you how to gown up, how to scrub in, gown up, what the fucking instruments were for, how to put a scalpel blade on a handle, right?

But they're like, "No, go for it." Well, no kidding that's gonna feel uncomfortable. But when you've been... Now granted, surgery can still be uncomfortable, but you know how to scrub in, drape in, get your instruments ready, put a scalpel blade on a handle, where to cut, right? It's still uncomfortable, but you have the framework to know, and hopefully you have a colleague or mentor that you can "Hey, does this look okay?

Or should I do..." That's the difference. So it's a little bit over time. That's why we don't learn surgery day one of vet school first year, okay? We gotta work up to it. So same thing. She worked up to that. We start with small things, and some of the other things that she has done that has been super helpful, 'cause [00:21:00] she is in a challenging practice, is there are certain days where leadership isn't in the building.

They overbook, but they don't really feel the repercussions of that. So she has started to be strategic about how things get booked, and she's "You know, I think leadership sees it, but no one has said anything to me, and we never aren't busy, so everything fills up. So it's not like we're losing money."

So she, again, got comfortable "No, I'm gonna move this, block this off, have this open," right? So she just took the bull by the horns, and I will say, again, I wanna keep all these details, as anonymous as possible, but this isn't a veterinarian who's been in practice for 20 years. I just want you to know.

So this is very possible for all of you

 

[00:22:00] Why Consistent Boundaries Can Lead to Less Pushback

And the beautiful thing that happens, okay, this is what I talked to a little bit in the beginning of the episode, are two things. One, like I've just said, you become more confident and things get easier 'cause [00:22:00] again, this whole thing, she's like, "I did bam, bam, bam" and I literally had goosebumps.

I was like, "Wait, what?" We started at step A and I now see her at step Z, and she has walked through one of those challenges just all by herself and taken that initiative. So the great part is that has become integrated into just who she is, how she shows up, and being more and more comfortable with it.

The second thing that I think is beautiful, I don't know if she realizes now, but I... at, or at the time, excuse me, but I think she does now, and this is very true for everyone, is that when we start doing this, you will, this is a weird part, you will get less pushback, right? Because she went to leadership and was like, "This is a thing I'm setting my boundary around it.

Okay, I'm just telling you, okay, bye." They already know now that the more similar situations end up in her lap, the less likely [00:23:00] she's just going to take it on and not say anything.

 

[00:23:00] Why People With Boundaries Are Easier to Respect

And if you've ever, think about this, if you've ever had a mentor or another veterinarian that you've looked up to maybe when you were in vet school, you worked at a practice, or maybe it was when you were first out or whatever, and you looked up and you're like, "God, this person's smart.

They're nice. They really enjoy their job, and they're easy to work with, and they're just a wealth of knowledge," let me ask you this. Are they a fucking pushover? Do they take it all on? Maybe they do, I don't know. But they won't take on everything. I think it's almost admiring to look at someone who has boundaries because, A, it also shows other people what is possible and that those things aren't necessarily, things that are challenging we don't just have to deal with.

And also, it's magnetizing. People want to be with other people that have boundaries because then they [00:24:00] don't feel that they have to over-deliver. And if you're setting boundaries and someone else is, you can recognize that in them and be like, "Wow, mad, m- mad props to you," right? You put your foot down. So again, our brains always go into the negative, but these are a lot of positive things that happen.

 

[00:24:00] When People Learn You’re No Longer the Easy Person to Dump Things On

And what's interesting is that in similar situations, they know that, I can't just guilt this person into doing what I need, or I can't just tell them that they have to do this thing, right?

There's gonna be pushback. The problem is, and unfortunately it's not really your problem, per se, but the more you push back on that, what I have seen is that other people will go to the ones that are easier to take advantage of. That's just how it is. That's human nature. How many times have, whether it's like, I don't know, a receptionist or a technician or an assistant, and I've had this happen to me where, especially doing [00:25:00] relief work, they're like, "Oh, I just want to ask you 'cause Dr. So-and-so is in a bad mood," or, "I'm scared of them."

And you're like, or they're gonna tell me no So we think in our mind, "Oh, we got rewarded for being nice," but and that's great, but if you are always that go-to person for people and you don't have them have some accountability too, which, see the last two episodes, you are gonna be that fall person.

 

[00:25:00] Creating Filters Before Every Problem Gets to You

Now, maybe you're a practice owner, and you're like, "I am that fucking fall person. I am the last one." I get it. There are ways to structure things so that there are certain stops that people have to get through before they get to you or before they come to you with a problem, there are certain parameters that they've already had checked out and gathered information that will be beneficial to you.

So the nice part about that is you're not getting that every five seconds someone's asking you a question. There are fail-safes that have to happen before they ask you that. And again, we're not talking about [00:26:00] be an asshole, but if you're fucking stressed and you're burnt out, we are using a filter, really. A filter of how much stuff gets to us, right?

All right, think about, if you guys still use them, I haven't used one in forever, but a Brita water filter. You, if you've never seen one, it's like this pitcher. You put the special filter in, you fill the top, the water gets filtered through the filter itself, and then comes out the bottom.

If you've ever used one, the more you use it, the faster it filters because it's filled with shit. It almost isn't taking anything out of the water. It, this is my experience. But when you first put a new filter in, it takes a little bit. You're filling up the top and the bottom is, filling up in half the time because it's filtering all that stuff out, right?

So you're still getting the water, you're still getting what you need, but you're getting less of what you don't need, and that's exactly how you can structure again, if you're a practice owner, medical [00:27:00] director, even doctor, you can structure what shit gets to you. And again, I'm not saying that people are annoying it's just the nature of our practice.

But there are ways that are not rocket science that will help you be able to keep your time and energy. Okay. Wow, I went off on a tangent. Okay, so anyway, but that is true. You'll get less pushback from people over time 'cause they know you're not gonna deal with shit.

 

[00:27:00] Step One: Identify What Is Draining Your Time and Energy

Okay, lastly, so if you're listening to this and you're like, "Okay, so what do I do again?" All right, I'll go over the process. Number one Find what situations feel frustrating, maybe you feel resentful, and you really would rather not do it?

This could be at work, it could be in your personal life. Where is something where you are expending time, energy, maybe money your capacity to deal with shit, and you're in the middle of doing this thing and you're, "This isn't... I don't wanna do this," or, [00:28:00] "Every time I get stuck doing this thing and I hate it."

I don't know why this just came to me, but maybe you have a kid, a human kid, and maybe you're like in the PTA parent Teacher Association. And you're, "Yep, I'm gonna help my kid out. I'm gonna be the parent of the classroom," or whatever. Sorry guys, I don't have kids. I don't have the humankind, so I...

just from what I know and what I've heard. And you're like, "Yeah, I'm gonna do this thing, and it's gonna feel good, and I'm, I feel good when I do it." And then you're in the middle of doing it, and you're, "I don't have time to do this. I'm so busy. I have to do all this stuff for my kid's classroom, and this and that, and I ask people and no one's helping me."

But you also feel bad if you don't do it, "Well, it's my kid and I've done it before." And so not that it's always a black or white answer, and it's not always a yes or no, but think of situations where you kinda guilt yourself into, "Well, it won't be that bad," or, "You should do it."

Or after a situation happens, you feel resentful and angry and miserable. And I'm sure there's many situations, but that's what [00:29:00] we wanna do first, is we need to find where are these situations occurring,

 

[00:29:00] Step Two: Know What You Are and Are Not Willing to Put Up With

'cause then goes into number two, what are we willing to put up with? So I said at the beginning, there are certain things that some people are, "You know what? That's kind of annoying, but I'll do it," and then an hour later you even forgot you did it, it's no big deal. Or there are things that could be the same situation. I don't know, maybe a client, every time they come in they're just really high maintenance and the appointment's gonna take a long, long time, and then they always end up calling back and asking more questions.

So if you are "Yeah, no, I'm not fucking doing that again," there are ways to put your foot down, right? And maybe in that example, "Hey- what questions do you have? Here's the information you need. Here's your printed out discharge. This is everything we talked about. I know sometimes you have questions after.

I'm not available for the rest of today, 'cause we are pretty booked. I wanna make sure I answer your questions now. Something like that, right? Or someone's like, "Nah, no big deal. It's kind of annoying," but I pick up the [00:30:00]

 

[00:30:00] Know Your Limits Before the Situation Happens

phone, it takes five minutes, I go on with my day. So it just depends. Everyone is going to be different that's why I can't just say, "Do this, and do that."

It's very nuanced based on our, personal experiences. So what are you willing to do? So knowing your limits beforehand is really what keeps us out of this cycle of perpetuating this resentment and frustration. So in my coaching client's example, she knew that this keeps happening. I'm not okay with this.

And she asked herself all right, is this-- yeah, this is something I'm gonna put my foot down on. So knowing what her limit is. And sometimes we don't know until it happens, and that's okay. But recognizing situations that you've dealt with in the past that you're like, "If that fucking happens again, I ain't doing it."

But then you're kinda scared, "I hope that thing doesn't happen again because I don't have the balls to say no," right? That's what I'm talking about. All right.

 

[00:31:00] Step Three: State the Boundary Instead of Asking Permission

And then step three, it is really important, just like my coaching client, she did a phenomenal job of saying, [00:31:00] "Hey, this is what's, this is the thing that's in front of me.

I am not doing it, so this is now up to you. I'm just giving this back to you to basically handle." And but in a very professional way. She didn't say, "Hey, and I-- guys, I'm gonna call you right out. It's okay. I do this, too. But I know that feels really uncomfortable, but sometimes what feels better is, "Hey, so I saw this client note and so and so was gonna call, but I think it got left for me.

Do you think that-- do you think she could just call when she comes back?" Okay, problem with that. Number one, you have a question that's gonna invoke a conversation, and maybe an answer you don't like, because maybe that answer is, "Oh yeah, I saw that. But yeah, could you just do that today? It'd be really good."

Then you're like, "Fuck." Or just the pitch and the cadence of your voice, the, "What do you think?" [00:32:00] Is just inviting "I'm not super confident, and so I'm okay doing this subconsciously, but I don't really wanna do it."

 

[00:32:00] Make It a Statement, Not a Negotiation

So we really have to make sure that we're being very straightforward, not rude, but straightforward.

It's not a question, it's a statement. And using the, "Okay I'm not gonna go forward with doing this," or, "I saw this note. I know this needs to be done. I'm not okay doing it," or, "I can't keep doing this," or something like that, right? We want it to be a statement, and you don't have to explain because again, a lot of explanation goes into a conversation and I've done this. And you're, "Yeah, I stood up for myself." And then you have this conversation at the end, you're like, "But how am I still fucking doing the thing I was trying not to do?" So that is why.

 

[00:33:00] Practice Saying the Boundary Out Loud

This sounds really corny, but practice this talking out loud in the mirror, maybe at [00:33:00] home, before you even go forth with this, because sometimes just saying the words feel really uncomfortable.

And when you're looking in the mirror, you're looking at yourself, so you're essentially looking at a person, which is what it's gonna feel like when you're trying to have this conversation. Instead of just talking it out loud to the room by yourself, that doesn't feel as daunting as if someone's staring at you.

So that can be another pointer.

 

[00:33:00] What If Boundaries Won’t Fly at Your Hospital?

Okay, last bit here. For those people that said, "Okay, Parks, that sounds great, but that's not gonna fly at my hospital Okay. T-to go full circle, at the beginning, we talked about how when we're in survival mode, we get stuck in these loops, and we don't see things as possible.

And maybe you're like, "No, I tried to put my foot down, and it didn't go well." Okay, go back and go to that process I just talked about. One, we recognize where these situations are happening and opportunities. Two, what is my [00:34:00] limit, and what am I willing to do and not do? And then three, how can I say this as more of a statement?

Because people that I've worked with, they'll tell me the ways that they said stuff, and I'm like, "Okay, we really invited either-- either we came across, pissed," which I get it. Sometimes that happens. Or we came across as, "Hey, I don't really wanna do this thing, but the way I'm talking is maybe it, it is okay if I do this thing."

It's not always the words we say but how we say it. So I would first ask you, if you're like, "Yeah, I tried it. It didn't work," did you say it in that way? Not asking a question. It's an I statement and is very much, "This is a thing. I'm putting my limit. Moving on."

 

[00:35:00] Why Anger Can Undercut the Message

And I do think a lot of times in those situations, if we are frustrated, and we haven't really hashed this out at first, we then can come across as being upset and angry.

But the problem is that can-- [00:35:00] Some people might think, "Oh, they're just mad right now, and then they'll be okay once they cool down," right? We want people to understand and take in what we're saying, not just how we are saying it if we're saying it from anger.

 

[00:35:00] Do You Actually Have Evidence That the Answer Is No?

The other thing I would ask you if you think, "Well, it's not gonna fly in my hospital," if you haven't specifically done those things, too, is if you have done every single one of those things that I just said, and what was the result?

And you said them the way that I said to do them. Because I would bet that 96% or more of you are, "Well, I didn't say exactly that." Okay, then. Because what happens is we can say something that in our mind we think is similar. Maybe it didn't feel as uncomfortable, so we said it, but it was more of a question.

They said, "No." We've now logged that in our brain as it is not possible. And then there's more nuance to that kind of layers that you can dig into of, okay, if they really did say that, how do I go into [00:36:00] that? But what I want you to ask is do you actually have concrete evidence that there was a no?

Or a lot of times what can happen is, I don't know, my colleague said they weren't doing this thing anymore, or they were pissed, and the manager said, "Well, that's just how it is." But that wasn't you, that wasn't your situation, and that wasn't a conversation in a private room one-on-one, right? So, that isn't evidence, unfortunately, that this is a no-go.

And even if it is a no-go, it's still another conversation of okay, let's zoom out. How do we approach this? What is the bigger picture here that you're telling me, like, no, you have to do this thing? I would argue it's a boundary. You're not asking, you're telling as well.

 

[00:36:00] Don’t Let All-or-Nothing Thinking Keep You Stuck

We are very much like that all or nothing thinking you've heard me talk about.

Don't allow that to creep in to tell you that, hey, we've tried it, it's not possible, we're stuck. Because again, if our survival brain has logged that, that's all we're seeing is up [00:37:00] as possibilities. We're not seeing the opportunities here.

So that is gonna be hugely important to realize that, you know what, there probably is more that I have available to me, but it may not be very obvious to me because I am in that survival mode.

And we tend to, you've heard me say this before, but it's if you're having a bad day, you spill your coffee on your way to work, you're stuck in traffic, it does seem like the rest of your day just goes to shit, right? Every little thing that could go wrong, even if it's little stuff, statistically, those things are gonna happen or have happened before, but your brain is so focused on the negative, it's all it finds, and we see this a lot.

So I just want you to check that piece of neuroscience that this is why we think this way and feel this way.

 

[00:38:00] When You Feel Stuck in the Same Burnout Cycle

And it can be really hard. It can be very hard to get out of this cycle if you're like, "Yeah, but I'm just, swimming in [00:38:00] the soup," right? Or swimming in the shit. We're in the shit. I can't get my way out.

I just feel like I'm doing the same thing over and over again. And I hear these client stories and like I'd love to do that, but that feels so far away and not possible for me," then I invite you on September 23rd, I'm doing a one-time live workshop for how to say no without guilt masterclass for veterinarians. So this is just a one-time live workshop that I'm doing 12 noon Eastern Wednesday, the 23rd.

Even if you can't be there, you will get access to the replay. You don't have to study anything after. I'm gonna walk you through a simple proven framework that will get you more comfortable saying no and doing it without guilt. So I'll put those links in the show notes.

Again, I hope you guys got something good and juicy out of this. If you did, I would love it if you could share this with your vet med bestie so they can get some info [00:39:00] and tips out of it as well.

We know we wanna help our colleagues and coworkers stop that burnout cycle. And even better, if you could hit follow and give a five-star review, that helps other vet med colleagues to have access and to see this podcast. All right, guys, I appreciate you so, so much. I will see you on the next episode