Epi 45:

In Part II of the Burnout & Boundaries mini-series, we go deeper into why boundaries are so hard to hold, including the subconscious patterns that keep many veterinary professionals stuck in cycles of overgiving and guilt.

This phase of boundary work is often confusing and uncomfortable, and it’s frequently mistaken for failure when it’s actually part of the process.

This episode explores what happens when boundaries aren’t set, including the hidden costs that may not feel obvious in the moment but can quietly contribute to chronic stress and burnout over time.

We’ll walk through the real, lived experience of holding boundaries, including the guilt, nervous system discomfort, and identity shifts that often show up after you stop overgiving.

If you’ve ever thought, “I set the boundary… so why do I still feel bad?” this conversation will make everything click.

What You'll Learn In This Episode:

• [00:00] Why boundary work often feels worse before it feels better
• [04:20] What guilt actually signals when you stop overfunctioning
• [09:45] How nervous system safety changes the way boundaries land
• [15:30] Why pushback doesn’t mean you did it wrong
• [21:10] The identity shift that happens when you start putting yourself and your needs first
• [27:40] How to tell the difference between discomfort and actual danger
• [33:00] What it looks like when the burnout cycle actually starts to break
•  

Key Takeaways:

• Feeling guilty after setting a boundary does not mean it was the wrong choice
• Boundaries can feel destabilizing before they feel supportive
• Pushback is often information, not a sign of failure
• Nervous system regulation makes boundaries sustainable
• Healing burnout includes identity shifts so you can rewire these patterns from the inside out, not just behavior changes

A Truth You Need to Hear:

“If setting a boundary makes you uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It means your nervous system is learning something new.”

Links mentioned:

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S2 Epi 45 Transcript: Burnout & Boundaries (Part II): The Hidden Cost of Avoiding Boundaries and How It Fuels Burnout

[00:00]
Welcome back to Stop the Burnout. This episode is part two of our boundaries mini-series, and if you haven’t listened to part one yet, I highly recommend going back and starting there because today we’re building directly off of that foundation. In part one, we talked about why boundaries feel so hard in the first place and how this is not a willpower issue or a communication issue, but very much a nervous system and stress response issue.

[02:10]
In this episode, we’re going to talk about what happens when boundaries aren’t set and the hidden costs of avoiding them. Because for a lot of people, especially in veterinary medicine, avoiding boundaries feels safer in the moment. It feels like the path of least resistance. But what often gets missed is the long-term impact of that pattern.

[04:35]
When boundaries aren’t set, the body is constantly in a state of anticipation. You’re bracing for the next ask, the next interruption, the next thing that’s going to pull from you. That ongoing state of vigilance is exhausting, and over time, it contributes directly to chronic stress and burnout, even if you can’t always pinpoint why you’re so tired or irritable.

[07:20]
One of the biggest hidden costs I see is resentment. And resentment doesn’t usually show up all at once. It builds quietly. It shows up as frustration, irritability, dread, or emotional shutdown. And then people feel guilty for feeling that way, which just adds another layer to the cycle.

[10:05]
Another cost of avoiding boundaries is that it reinforces the belief that your needs come last. When you consistently override your own limits, your nervous system learns that other people’s comfort, expectations, or emergencies are more important than your capacity. Over time, this disconnects you from your own internal signals.

[13:30]
This is where people start to say things like, “I don’t even know what I need anymore,” or “I don’t know how to rest,” or “I don’t know why I’m so overwhelmed.” It’s not because you’re bad at self-awareness. It’s because you’ve been trained out of listening to yourself.

[16:40]
For many high achievers, especially in veterinary medicine, boundaries were never modeled. What was modeled instead was pushing through, being resilient, being helpful, and being available no matter what. So when you start to change that pattern, it can feel incredibly uncomfortable and even threatening at first.

[19:55]
This is often the point where people say, “I tried setting a boundary and it didn’t work,” or “I set the boundary but I still felt awful afterward.” And this is where I want to be really clear. Feeling guilt, discomfort, or anxiety after setting a boundary does not mean you did it wrong.

[22:30]
What it usually means is that your nervous system is adjusting. You’re doing something different than what it learned kept you safe. So of course there’s going to be some internal pushback. That doesn’t mean you should abandon the boundary. It means you need support through that adjustment phase.

[25:10]
Another thing that comes up here is identity. A lot of people have built their sense of worth around being reliable, being the one who fixes things, being the one who never says no. So when you stop overgiving, there can be this internal question of, “Who am I if I’m not that person anymore?”

[28:00]
That identity shift can feel destabilizing, even if it’s ultimately freeing. And again, that discomfort is often misinterpreted as failure instead of recognized as growth.

[30:40]
Boundaries don’t automatically create relief. Sometimes they create space, and space can feel unfamiliar or even unsafe at first. Especially if your system is used to chaos, urgency, and constant stimulation.

[33:15]
This is why boundary work has to include nervous system regulation. Without that piece, boundaries feel forced, rigid, or unsustainable. With it, boundaries start to feel more embodied and less like something you have to constantly police.

[36:00]
If you’re listening to this and realizing that avoiding boundaries has come at a cost for you, I want you to know that nothing has gone wrong. Your system adapted in the best way it knew how. And with the right support, those patterns can change.

[38:20]
In the next episode, we’ll talk about what it actually looks like when the burnout cycle starts to break and how to recognize those subtle signs that things are shifting, even if everything isn’t perfect yet.

[40:10]
If this episode resonated, I’d love to hear from you. You can find me on Instagram and send me a message about what stood out. And if you want support breaking these patterns at the root, you can apply for a complimentary Burnout Breakthrough Session using the link in the show notes. I’ll see you next time.