Stop the Burnout Podcast

Epi 46:

Breaking the Burnout Cycle (Part III): Setting Boundaries in Real Life (What to Say, Not Just What to Know)

In the final part (Part III) of this boundaries series, we’re breaking down how veterinary professionals can actually set boundaries without guilt, overexplaining, or burning out.

You’ll hear real-life veterinary and personal examples of when boundaries are needed, what they sound like in practice, and exactly what to say to communicate them clearly and professionally, even if you’ve never set one before.

We’ll also explore the neuroscience behind why boundaries can feel uncomfortable, how your nervous system’s stress response plays a role, and why that discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

What You'll Learn In This Episode:

00:00 – Why changing how we view boundaries (as filters, not walls) can transform our perspective and make it easier to set them
06:30 – How boundaries start internally and what stress signals in your body actually mean
12:45 – Why setting boundaries from a reactive place backfires
18:10 – How to start with low-stakes boundaries instead of jumping into the “deep end”
25:40 – Why pausing before responding changes everything
31:20 – The hidden problem with overexplaining and how it opens the door to negotiation
38:15 – What to say at work when lunch breaks, scheduling, or expectations are crossed
52:10 – Veterinary-specific boundary phrases for clients, coworkers, and management
1:07:30 – Emotional boundaries, client reactions, and why you’re not responsible for them
1:18:00 – Why boundaries don’t make you rude, they make relationships honest

Key Takeaways:

Discomfort when setting boundaries is very common, & does not mean you’re doing it wrong
Overexplaining weakens boundaries and increases emotional labor
Someone pushing back often benefited from you having no previous boundaries
Boundaries reduce burnout by reducing discomfort in the long-run instead of absorbing it
You can be kind, professional, and firm at the same time

A Truth You Need to Hear:

“You are not responsible for other people’s reactions to the boundaries that you set.”

Links mentioned:

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S2 Epi 46 Transcript: Burnout & Boundaries (Part III): Setting Boundaries in Real Life (What to Say, Not Just What to Know)

[00:00]

Welcome to Stop the Burnout, a podcast for veterinary professionals who love medicine but are exhausted by the people, pressure, expectations, and the constant mental loads that comes with it. If you've ever thought I shouldn't feel this strain doing something I care about, you're not alone and you're definitely not. I'm Doctor Amber Parks, a veterinarian turned stress and burnout coach, and here we talk about the stuff that no one taught us, like how to actually break the stress and burnout patterns once and for all and how to stay in this profession without losing yourself. You won't find bubble baths, toxic positivity, or self-care fluff pretending to be the solution here. Let's get into it.

[00:46]

Back to another episode of Stop the Burnout. Today is Part 3 of a three-part series on boundaries and burnout. Now, today is going to be like the culmination of all these juicy things, though, that we've been talking about the last two episodes. We're going to talk about like how to actually set the boundaries. What does that sound like? And kind of almost like how to know if you're doing it right, which we'll kind of go through what that looks like.

Now, if you haven't listened to Part 1 and Part 2, really lay a great foundation for what boundaries are, why we need them. Even if you're like, yeah, I know that we need them, I think it's really good to go back and take a listen to that if you haven't listened yet, because it gives us, I think when we're aware of that information, it makes setting boundaries somewhat easier.

[02:09]

Now, just a couple reminders, boundaries are not walls, they are filters. The other day there are more filters, and that's a great way to look at it. We tend to want to think that a boundary is like a wall, and walls block people out. Walls are rude, if you will. So if that's really not the best analogy for that, they really are filters, because we're not saying no to everything. We're just filtering in and out what we have the capacity to deal with.

So how do we know if we need some boundaries? Well, as a general rule, if you're feeling anything like resentment, you're exhausted, you even have feelings of anger or jealousy, not in every situation, but many times if we're feeling those emotions in some capacity, there's probably an opportunity for a boundary to be set somewhere.

[04:06]

Now something that is, and I know I would say this, but I really am, I am guilty of this before too, is that we tend to in veterinary medicine where things like burnout, exhaustion, stress, chaos, right, we tend to think that like, oh, if we have this high tolerance for pain, then it's like that badge of honor that we get. And really it doesn't help anyone. Definitely doesn't help yourself.

And also realize that we're setting the standard for other people that are around us and those people that come after us.

[05:24]

OK, first things first, boundaries, when we're setting them, they start internally. And they start internally because one, like I mentioned, it's that recognition of where the flock do I need a boundary? Probably if I'm feeling any of those emotions that I mentioned.

It's also too we start to feel these internally because we typically start to feel some sort of stress signal in our body.

[06:01]

So having those stress signals, what would probably come up, I'll just kind of as a general rule, is that you're like, OK, you're thinking you might even say OK, but internally you're like panicking because you're panicking, hey, this is something that I don't have the capability to do.

[07:01]

So honor that there is discomfort. I would love to tell you that setting boundaries is a walk in the park and it's perfect and it's great and it's not a big deal, but truthfully that is not the case.

But I want you to also know that even setting boundaries, if it feels uncomfortable, that doesn't mean that it's inappropriate.

And if there's nothing else you take from this, it's that you are not responsible for other people's reactions to the boundaries that you set.

[08:11]

The next thing to know is that when we set boundaries, you do ideally want to do it from a place of like you're regulated. In other words, you're setting a boundary from an area of clarity and calmness, not necessarily discomfort.

[09:44]

So how do we do this? OK. Number one, start with like low stakes, right? You are not going to right out of the gate set a massive boundary in the most emotionally loaded relationship in your life.

[10:42]

Think of it this way. I don't know why I love analogies. I hope you appreciate them, but this is one that came to me. You know when, if you're lucky enough to have had a pedicure and you go to a nail place and they say, OK, put your feet in, and the water is really hot, and you're like, holy crap, I can't put my whole foot in yet.

That's the same way we're going to approach boundaries.

[11:45]

The first is that if someone asks you something that you know you can't or don't want to do, just pause for five seconds before you respond.

[13:23]

Sometimes what's worse than setting a boundary is that we set a boundary and then we take it back. So we set a boundary and then we're trying to over explain why we are setting that boundary.

And that does two things. One is it opens up negotiations and two, it totally takes away from the powerfulness of that boundary you just set.

[15:00]

There is discomfort somewhere in that situation. Either you not setting that boundary and saying yes, you're uncomfortable, or you setting that boundary and letting the other person be uncomfortable.

[17:08]

Overexplaining is not your friend in this case.

[18:32]

Regardless of like the situation and surrounding, these are kind of general phrases that you can say and are friendly. Things like I'm not available for that, or I'd love to, but I can't commit to that at this time.

[20:24]

When we set boundaries, we are teaching other people how to treat us.

[21:00]

A good example of this is like, and this is not every hospital or management, but this is just something that I've seen more than once.

[24:25]

So yes, that would be something where you might get some pushback, right? And that doesn't mean you're wrong.

[24:38]

It can also get you to maybe see their agenda and you have an agenda and we just have to find out how this is going to work for both people. So yes, that would be something where you might get some pushback, right? And that doesn't mean you're wrong. First of all, is it uncomfortable, fact. Yeah, but it doesn't mean that you're wrong.

So but I always say when people start setting boundaries and then they get really uncomfortable because of some pushback, that's my first thought is like that this person benefiting from you not having a boundary because then we have to take a bigger look at things.

[29:07]

Yeah, like I'm scheduled to five thirty. I can help you with this, but I have to leave at this time. It says nothing about what's going on after work, right?

OK. Another example. I worked with a doctor. She's a great doctor. She was newer, out of school, and there were several less doctors and we would be in the doctor office. And at lunchtime now I have had a horrible habit of did this for years probably most if not all of my years in clinical practice.

If we had say a lunch break from twelve to one, now it was like lunch, catch up records, which if you ask me now, those should be separate. Those should be separate times because you should be able to leave the hospital on your lunch break and not have to do something else.

What I used to think was this is going to be faster if I work through my lunch as I'm eating lunch, doing callbacks, doing records, right? Which yes, but you can see how this has a ripple effect.

[36:56]

OK, so OK these are some things that you can use at work but you can use in your personal life too. So things like, hey, I don't have the capacity for this conversation right now.

Maybe you came home from a really ****** day at work. You're exhausted. Your friend calls you up and she's going through whatever she's going through and she's just trauma dumping and you're like, I don't, you don't like sometimes, you know, you like don't even know which way is up when you get home from work.

You're like, do I have to pee? Do I have to eat? Should I change? What is going on? Like I can't even figure out what my personal needs in this moment are, let alone to hold space for someone else.

It is totally acceptable to say, hey, I want to help you and I want to figure this out with you, but I don't have the capacity for this right now. That is like an emotional boundary, totally appropriate to set.

[41:15]

If you're listening to this podcast episode, I hope to God you've gotten this far that you've dealt with this too. But maybe you had a case again, doesn't really matter if you're a technician, support staff, doctor.

Alright, so say we have a case. It's a surgery. Insert whatever surgery you need, spay, neuter, it doesn't matter.

Oh here's a great example actually. Alright so say scrotal ablation. So male dogs getting a neuter, they're like adults, right? So their scrotum is developed and now I always tell people like this is an option. It's up to you. It's really more cosmetic than anything.

But I do find the ones that sometimes are more likely to bleed, then it sits in the scrotum and you have this huge ass scrotum after neuter. So I always tell the pros and cons to clients and give them the option.

[42:58]

And this is another really important thing. When you are giving people options, whether it's clients, coworkers, friends, management, whatever, you are still allowed to say what you are and are not available for.

Boundaries are not about controlling other people. They're about clearly communicating what you will and will not do, and then following through on that.

[44:10]

And if you take nothing else from this episode, I want you to hear this. You are not broken. You're not bad at boundaries. You're not failing.

Your nervous system learned these patterns for a reason. And with awareness, practice, and support, they can change.